The day we have long dreaded has arrived: The New York Yankees are champions of the baseball world yet again. For 8 long years we were free from their tyranny, their smug aggrandizement, their infuriating sense of entitlement, but now, after a brief respite of peace and prosperity throughout the baseball land, all must genuflect and obey the commands of our new Yankpire overlords.
Sure, we probably should have seen this coming (whenever popular culture tells us that "Vampires are soooooooooooo hot right now" the Yankpires seem to make a comeback/with Obama in office the Republican voodoo against Yankpires was broken [last Republican president to witness a Yankees victory--Eisenhower]) but we all had hopes, we had dreams, and now we just have Tex, CC, A-Rod and Jeets (shudder).
So how do we, the humble NON-Yankpires survive? How can we avoid arousing the ire of Yankpires, their devoted legions of fans, and the media apparatus of Fox who hopes that this is the beginning of new dynasty, a rating resurgence and something slightly more onerous than Joe Buck himself?
In the coming weeks and months we here at Peanuts from Heaven will do our best to prepare you for the onslaught of Yankpires and Yankpire related hype which may make life difficult for A's, O's, Pirates, Cardinals, Sox of various colors and of course--the greatest people on earth--Twins fans.
Our first piece of advice comes from my little cousin, who will be known here as Home Run Nelson. Quoth the wise, wise 8 year old: "I just root for 'em. A lot of kids in school are talking about it. It's mostly Yankees..."
Though Home Run claims he's a Yankees fan, he confessed under the duress of his intensely pressurized elementary school environment. He just "roots for 'em" like a lot of people around him. So perhaps the best way to survive the Yankpire Empire (or Yankpirepire, if you will), is to pretend that you are hip to our new overlords, say "All hail Joe Girardi!" (but do so with your fingers crossed behind your back). Feel free to notice the tonnage of ESPN articles on "Yankees sign _______ in quest to repeat" but don't acknowledge, worry, or care about. To put it simply: swim down stream!
Possible side effects may include: accidental desire to become a Yankpire--if you exhibit any signs of Yankpiredom (including, but not limited to: a desire to wear thin undershirts with backwards baseball caps, repeated use of the phrase: "YO, PEDRO! WHO'S YER DADDY?!?", empathy for Scott Boras, or an insatiable desire for the blood of Blue Jays and Mariners) consult your local physican/exorcist.
We will attempt to post more advice when we are able, but as the semesters wind up (or down, or something) posts may be harder to squeeze in to rather frantic schedules. Nevertheless, stay strong loyal Peanuts, we will return to guide you.