Just when it looked like our offseason was frozen in carbonite, ESPN reported that Mr. Jim Thome will be returning to the Twin Cities next year as our designated hitter, veteran clubhouse leader and de facto Paul Bunyan impersonator.

This is great news for us as both Twins fans and snarky bloggers. It not only gives our team a potent right handed bat off the bench and helps us avoid the soul-sucking morass of signing Manny Ramirez or Johnny Damon, but also allows us to pluck the low hanging fruit of ageism. To wit:
  • Jim Thome's so old, when he draws a walk, he goes to first base on his rascal
  • Jim Thome's so old, he celebrated the Twins playoff berth with a big glass of Ensure.
  • Jim Thome's so old, he thought Carl Pohlad was an ornery whippersnapper.
But seriously, I only make those terrible terrible jokes because I am very fond of Mr. Thome, and I show my appreciation through playful mockery rather than overzealous regurgitation of stats and stories. Thanks for choosing us Jim-bo, you're a gentleman, a scholar, and a damn fine hitter if ever there was one. If you take offense to my lame jokes, I will try to be insightful next season...I probably won't be insightful...but I'll try.

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