Suffice to say, these are not "your Minnesota Twins," they aren't the guys who run out on to the field to the strains of "We're Gonna Win Twins," they aren't the guys who light up message boards or instigate frenzied analyses of swing/delivery mechanics. Instead they are "our Minnesota Twins" the quirky, imaginary, alternate identities cooked up by Stinky, Smelly (and sometimes our family members). Basically they are the (hopefully) intentionally funny versions of the team that we watch and love day in and day out. We'll chronicle their success and their failures because, well, that's what we do. If you'd rather read about OPSes and ERA+, I know there are countless other blogs that will let you know, but if you'd rather read about the best baseball efforts of pirates, disco dancers, satyrs, puffy-pants wearers and bionic men...well..that's where we come in.
If you're looking over our line-up and wondering: "who the heck is that guy?" We're here to answer, and we'll do it in the most Minnesotan way we know how: by providing you facts (player's background), fiction (the alternate background we used to dream up the photoshop), fandom (ways to cheer for them) and flattery (less positive cheers, aka Minnesota "Nice" comments)
Let's get started!
Meet Josh Willingham! (Left Fielder)Player's Background: You might remember Josh Willingham from such things as "not being Michael Cuddyer" and "actually hitting home runs"! Willingham came to the Twins from Oakland in 2012 and endeared himself to casual and serious fans by playing baseball well.
Alternate Background: With his sudden appearance offering a jolt of offense to an otherwise stagnant line-up (and the fact that his name includes "ham" in it) it's easy to picture Josh Willingham as our very own low budget version of Thor: The WillingHAMMER! Besides, he's got a bit of a Norse look going for him anyway, and I've yet to see proof that Thor never wore eye black.
Positive Cheers: Send it to Aasgard! By the power of Mjolnir!! Please don't sue us Stan Lee!!
Less-Positive Cheers: Drat you Ice Giants!! Is your head up your Aasgard?! Thou art poopy!!
Meet Glen Perkins! (Closer)
Player's Background: Once upon a time, Glen Perkins was a kid from Stillwater who became an ace starter for the home town 9 (he racked up an impressive 12-4 record in the improbable 2008 season). Then there were some arm issues, some cranky recriminations from both him and the Twins about rehabbing, but once he transitioned over to the bullpen, he was a fan-favorite once more.
|The original Dread Pirate Nathan|
Alternate Background: Once upon a time, Glen Perkins was a kid from Stillwater who set out to seek his fortune in baseball. However he ran afoul of the Dread Pirate Joe Nathan, who never left captives or batters alive. Yet Dread Pirate Joe Nathan took pity on Glen Perkins and allowed him to be a valet (though he always promised to kill him in the morning). Then the Dread Pirate Nathan grew so rich that he wanted to retire (and live like a king in Patagonia...or Texas..which is near Patagonia I think), so he ceded his powers to Glen Perkins...but since "The Dread Pirate Perkins" sounds like a very lame attempt to hipster up a family restaurant he has kept the "Dread Pirate Nathan" name and mannerisms.
|The new Dread Pirate Nathan|
Positive Cheers: YARR! AVAST!! BLARGERAGERAGH!!!
Less-Positive Cheers: Shoot, I could have sworn that Blown Saves of Unusual Size didn't exist! Don't worry everyone he's only mostly dead! BLAGERAGHERAGH!
Keep tuning in to Peanuts From Heaven for more of OUR Minnesota Twins!