I'm Thankful For...

...a manager with rosy cheeks, and an obdurate manner.

...a catcher with sideburns every man should envy.

...a first baseman who single handedly keeps Canada safe from pitchers.

...an infield that can't hit but seems to float like the Bolshoi to any ball hit their way.

...a left fielder (and returning right fielder) who are masters of the subtle art of Supraction.

...a center fielder whose silliness makes me seem like a stoic.

...a rookie right fielder who will be the official supplier of low cost home repair supplies when we have taken over the world.

...a pitching rotation that wishes they could ride to the mound in Tonka trucks.

...a big game pitcher who entraps his foes with cake...delicious, delicious cake.

...a bullpen that is locked in a tower until it solves it's own stinking mess.

...a closer/pirate who plunders opposing teams better than anyone else.

AND MOST OF ALL

...a blog where I can be thankful all year long, and another anthropomorphic peanut/partner-in-crime who's as thankful and silly as me.

Happy Thanksgiving.

Long Time Coming...

Sorry everyone. I know I've been a slacking blogger...the combination of work, classes, choir and grad school applications has had a disastrous effect on my ability to goof off :( Nevertheless I though I should provide full if belated coverage on our very own, totally awesome Joe Mauer and Justin Morneau's Silver Sluggers. Justin was initially confused and thought they said "Silver Slug"...that got kind of gross.

The following are endorsements of M&M from their adoring fans:

Gardy (manager, garden gnome): "Mauer and Morneau are so awesome it's ridiculous. They make me want to do a happy dance and throw my hat in a good way...not in the angry way I did this summer. With Mauer and Morneau we can all throw our hats in joy! And then we can all win manager of the year. Or not."

Joe Nathan (Teammate, pirate): "A;BLKAJEPROW!!!!!!!! JOE NATHAN BALLLLLLLGHHHHHH!!!!...arr."

Michael Cuddyer (Teammate, care-bear): "Aww man...Joe and Justin warm the cockles of my heart. They make me want to hug puppies and save the world by radiating love and cuteness. Oh wait I do that anyways."

The New York Yankees (Satan): "Yeah it's too bad that pipe bomb we planted in their hotel room never went off..."

Johan Santanta (former teammate, rockstar): "They melt in your mouth, not in your hand. Mmmm...melty"


ew.


So, there you have it friends. A fair, impartial and completely true evaluation of our brilliant friends.

Making it through Winter

Two weeks into the offseason we're going through some serious withdrawal. A golden glove, a couple silver sluggers, and plenty of runner up finishes were all that the Awards season had to offer. And while the Dodgers offer of 30 kabillion dollars to Manny Ramirez was trumped by the Yankees offer of Mars to C.C. Sabathia; the Twins attempts to sign Casey Blake for three magic beans has not garnered much attention. All in all, not the most promising beginning.

While we wait out this weary winter, we here at Peanuts From Heaven Inc. are proud to introduce our new feature. Without games to watch, we'll satisfy our hunger for baseball with Ken Burns' Baseball, an 18-hour documentary chronicling the history of the game from 1880-1990. And as we watch we'll post the occasional comment about things we would love to see make a comeback, and players we would kind of like to see take the field at the Metrodome.

Starting with things we wish would make a comeback from the 19-Aughts including:

Old fashioned posters

The words: "Cranklette" and "Bug"

Singing the first verse of "Take Me Out to the Ballgame" in addition to the refrain.

And, for the Minnesota Twins, we want Honus

 Wagner. We want the barrel-chested, base-stealing, bowlegged, bad-ass beast of a German. This is our kind of guy, and as such we would like to imagine the following situation in which the Tigers confront their new worst nightmare.

Curtis Granderson [At first base after a walk from Boof Bonser]: I am so fast! I am so fast! FASTYFASTYFAST!! I am so Fast!!

MORNEAU: Yeah Curtis, we know. But, you might not want to sing any more: our new shortstop doesn't much like it when people brag.

GRANDERSON: Psssh! Hey! Wagner!

WAGNER: Yeah

GRANDERSON: "I'm gonna steal second base

right in your stupid face!"

WAGNER: Bring it on.

GRANDERSON: "Oh, I'll bring it, real-ly good

just like Thanks-giving food."

WAGNER: That wasn't really a rhyme.

GRANDERSON: "I don't have to always rhyme,

free-verse poetry is no crime,

Becaaaaaaaause, I'm betterrrrrrr than yoo-hoooooooo!"

[Granderson takes off on the next pitch to steal second, and after receiving the throw from Mauer, Wagner tags out Granderson by punching him in the face with his glove, knocking Granderson out cold]

WAGNER [Walking away from Granderson's prone body]: Damn. Gotta dig another grave. [Sigh] It's hard to be a badass...

So Honus, if your reading this in some kind of alternate reality where you have stayed eternally young, please consider switching realities. We will pay you in hot dish. You're German, you should like that. 

Mr. Runner Up

As cool as it is that Joe Mauer has won a gold glove, and as awesome as it is that we, your noble authors, have been acknowledged as the 9th Best Blog for Photoshopped Pictures of the Minnesota Twins, we feel a little bad for the magical garden gnome who inhabits our dugout.

 Yesterday, Tampa Bay Rays manager Joe Maddon was named American League Manager of the year, and, yes, he deserved it, but even if he did we don't really enjoy seeing Gardy look like this year after year:

You see, every year, the Twins are pretty damn awesome, but before the next season begins we are told that we have no chance to perform well again. Then, we do. Throughout this remarkable run the roster has had a rotating cast, the pitchers have come and gone and free agents are fleeting. But we always have Gardy. 

So it kind of stinks that in the 7 years he has been our manager, he has never been named manager of the year. He has finished in second place, four times now. Every other AL Central manager has beaten him to the hardware while he beats them on the field. 

As he endures another winter without a shiny new accolade, we send Gardy our support--and the title of Official Peanuts From Heaven Garden Gnome! Congratulations Gardy...we will always love you.

Oh Noez!

JOSE MIJARES: (wakes up slowly, rubbing head) Ow...man where am I?

(looks around and sees the sleeping bodies of his fellow relief pitchers lying on a cold stone floor)

AHHH!!!! No good! Hey guys...guys wake up!!!!

DENNYS REYES: NOOOO JAFAR DON'T TAKE MY CHEESY FRIES!!!! (looks around confused) Huh? Jose? Where are we....?

MIJARES: I don't know...it seems like we're locked in some sort of stone enclosure. With a window.

REYES: (stumbles to window) OMG! We're locked in a tower!!!

MIJARES: Like Rapunzel?

REYES: Um...kind of....except...not.

CRAIG BRESLOW: (slowly waking up) Hey guys...I had a dream we were kidnapped by men in tights and locked in a tower.

MIJARES: We are locked in a tower. Like Rapunzel.

BRESLOW: This is NOT GOOD. How are we supposed to pitch to victory in 2009 when we're locked in a tower? How are we supposed to make sure our awesome starters will get the wins they deserve? BAD BAD BAD!!! (runs at window preparing to leap out)

REYES: (blocks breslow with his well-fed body) No Craig don't! There's got to be another way...there must be someone who can save us....

(as he says this, the valiant knight Sir Justin Morneau rides by on his mighty steed)

MIJARES: Sir Justin! Sir Justin please help!

HOTTIE MCHOT: I'm sorry guys...I can't save you. Only one man can.

ALL: Who???

SEXYPANTS: Sideshow Pat, the greatest knight in all the land. He will decimate your captors with his crazy sidearm.

ALL: Oh ok.

MIJARES: Have a nice day!

(Sir Justin rides off)

(The 'pen sits around twiddling its thumbs for some time)

(Until...)

(Up rides valiant knight Sir Denard Span!!!)

BRESLOW: Sir Denard! Have you seen Sideshow Pat?

SPAN: Oh um....about that....yeah.... he's not coming.

ALL: WHAT?????

SPAN: Yeah....on his way here he was spotted by some carnies. They were so amused by his crazy underhand style and body-flinging antics that they hauled him into their caravan and took him away.

ALL: OH NOEZ!!!

SPAN: Welp...sorry there's nothing I can do. You kids will have to find your own way out of this one.

.....what will they do???? Stay tuned for spring training to find out....

Uh-O

A week ago we came together as a nation to elect Barak Hussein Obama to be the 44th President of the United States of America.

It was a transformative moment for our nation, overcoming centuries of oppression and small mindedness. 

And then...I found out the truth.

President-Elect Obama...is a Chicago White Sox fan.

A Chicago White Sox fan who delivered a speech lauding the Sox after they won the World Series.

A Chicago White Sox fan who hates the Cubbies fair weather faithful, and prefaces any placating of swing state voters by saying: "I am a White Sox fan"

A Chicago White Sox fan who now controls the nuclear missile codes and could give out tax breaks to anyone who sings a contract to play for the pale hosers.

Twins Territory is in jeopardy my friends. Our values of silliness and hit-and-run baseball are under assault from the austere and home-run obsessed White Sox World we now live in.

What will come next? Will we be shipped off to Guantanamo and "re-educated"? Will the nefarious Dr. Cakeburn be brought up on charges of high treason? Will there be a ban placed on all garden gnomes and a classification of Supraction as terrorist activity?

Ultimately this forces us to ask the question. Which loyalty leads the way: are you an American first or a Twins Fan first? Do you owe more to Twins Territory, or to the U. S. of A?

So I pose it to you, our MILLIONS* of fans and fellow Twins Territorians, what do we do? Post your suggestion as a comment on this blog, whether its secession from the union or outright war, let's hear it.

The best suggestions will win a limited edition Peanuts From Heaven Christmas Surprise, and lifetime membership in the Peanuts from Heaven Infinity Club. Raise your voice, and raise your status.

*approximation based on what I wish was true

Congrats!!!

The power of the sideburns finally pulls through - Joe Mauer wins his first Gold Glove!

PROOF WE RULE!

We here at Peanuts From Heaven are proud to announce that we have won the following awards from the National Organization To Reward Electronic Arts & Language.

Honorable Mention for Gratuitous Objectification of a Man's Buttocks (you're welcome Justin)

81st Most Incessant Giggling While Writing Posts That Only Amuse the Blog's Writers

43rd Best Use of A Random Point System (see the Enemies posts...you'll understand)

26th Highest Likelihood of a Libel Lawsuit for Gross Mischaracterization of an Individual

23rd Best New Superhero (CAKEBURN! He foils his enemies using cake and trails of skittles...I dare you to come up with a tastier way to be foiled)

18th Most (Impressive) use of Parentheses

9th Best use of Photoshop (see Beatles, Lord of the Rings, John Adams, etc.)

3rd Best Neologism of the Year. (Ladies and Gentlemen, we give you: SUPRACTION!)

2nd Best Blog Written by Peanuts (I'd like to know who won that category....I mean, peanuts with opposable thumbs are a rare breed)

and...most importantly...

THE BEST BLOG EVER WRITTEN BY THE TWO PEOPLE WHO WRITE IT

We'd like to thank all those who read our blog (by which we mean ourselves) and all those who will read it now that we have won awards from the National Organization To Reward Electronic Arts & Language.