Most people have a "Yankees fans stink" story.
Back at the Metrodome, my wife and her father sat in front of three "woo-girls" from Iowa, so desperate for Derek Jeter's attention that they squealed and shouted "pretty much every time he existed". The game didn't matter, just Jeter's existence.
I was in a grad school class on research methods in education, proudly sporting a Twins jersey during game one of the 2009 ALDS. A guy in a gray Yankees jersey standing outside the room stared me down until I turned to see him. He then pounded his chest like a silver back gorilla and mouthed a few "you sucks" at me. Later in the class he returned having written down the scores from different innings to gloatingly inform me of the Twins' loss.
I trust that many readers have their own stories: stories about bandwagon hoppers, profane screamers, self-deluded wannabes who think their shirsey is partially responsible for one of the last 27 World Championships. It's the kind of self-important egomania that is totally anathema to Minnesotan humility/shame/self-deprecation.
The easy solution is to get mad, get defensive or get dismissive, but consider--for a moment--the tragedy of being a Yankees fan.
Part of this has to do with a long standing theory of we Peanuts from Heaven (one that might answer Nick Nelson's supposition that: A record that horrible [23-61 over 10 years] goes beyond what would be expected with even the most lopsided talent differentials. No, there's something else at play here, as if the universe were conspiring to keep the poor little Midwestern Twins under the thumb the Evil Empire").
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| Don't be fooled by the sparkles...he's a Yankpire |
You see, years ago Stinky/Mrs. Peanut discovered that, according to recent scholarship: vampires are the fastest, strongest, most powerful baseball playing creatures on the planet. As my wife reasoned, the Yankees are that fastest, strongest, most powerful baseball playing creatures on the planet. Ergo, the Yankees are vampires. (Or for the sake of our trademark: Yankpires) Over the years we have found a lot of photographic evidence to support this accusation.
But there's more to vampires than simply dominating baseball games. Since Bram Stoker first reported Count Dracula's ability to exercise total control over the minds of others, innumerable others have suggested that vampires possesses psychic powers. So its reasonable to assume that the Yankpires also have psychic powers...psychic powers which they use to drain unsuspecting Yankee fans of their money, brain cells and human decency. By doing so, they add to their payroll which helps add to their speed, strength and power through free agency, thereby creating more Yankpires who need more Yankee fans to feed upon...it's a vicious circle.
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| Yankpire victims...oh the humanity |
Sure there are decent Yankees fans just as there are jerky Twins fans. I have a former student from New York who politely applauds everyone, a cousin who wears pinstripes to fit in at middle school, and a friend from grad school who disdained the jerk out the window as much as I did. But if we have any hope of ending the Yankpire hex on us--and any interest in making the world a better place, we have to cut off the Yankpire's source of sustenance...Yankee fan stupidity.
[Cue "Arms of an Angel"]
Won't you please help us save as many potential Yankpire victims as we can.
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| Won't you please help this baby avoid a future of jerkiness. |
When you encounter a jerk-Yankee fan, don't repay their stupidity in equal measure. Chances are, there are other, embarrassed, Yankee fans near by. By just not being a total tool, you can help diminish the appeal of being a knob-ish Yankee fan instead of just a regular fan.
Also, if you happen to play for the Twins...beating the vile vampires might also be helpful.
You can make a difference, both to our present and to your children's future.
Thank you for being a Twins fan, a Yankees fan, a baseball fan...AND a decent human being.
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