Frequent readers of this space no doubt recall the attempts of the Alternate Universe Twins to compile the greatest collection of total badasses ever to put on a Twins uniform. That collection of talent was completed today with the addition of Center Fielder Kirby Puckett, and the official taking of the team photo capturing their souls.
(From Left to Right: LF: Ty Cobb, 3B: Pepper Martin, 1B: Jackie Robinson, CF: Kirby Puckett, 2B: Frankie Frisch, RF: Frank Robinson, SS: Honus Wagner, Manager: Earl Weaver, C: Yogi Berra)During the taking of the team portrait the following conversation was overheard.
KIRBY: Thanks for letting me join the team guys, this is totally cool.
PEPPER: Cool? I'm boiling up. Why are we dressed like this?
HONUS: Because this officially sanctioned "Badass Gear"
TY: More like..."Sadass Gear"
JACKIE: Dude, what have we said about kicking your ass?
EARL: Guys, calm down!
FRANK: Yeah, come on guys, we can kick ass as a team, and if we kick ass dressed like this, it'll be totally surprising!
FRANKIE: And our clothing will be totally distracting.
FRANK: We'll be utterly unbeatable....If only there were a word for what we would do...
YOGI: Is it just me or am I taller than I used to be?
JACKIE: Way to change the topic Yogi.
PEPPER: So I guess there's nothing left to do but beat all manner of alternate universe teams
KIRBY: Uh...guys...
HONUS: And be utterly badass
KIRBY: Uh...guys...
FRANK: Yup, should be real easy with this massive collection of talent.
KIRBY: Uh...guys...
FRANKIE: Yeah, I mean...is there anything we can't do?
YOGI: I can't dance.
JACKIE: I can't perform liposuctions.
TY: I can't be a decent human being for more than five minutes at a time.
KIRBY: Uh...guys...can any of us pitch?
[Pause]
TY: I knew the M#%(*@#$%^&(@#ers who compiled this roster forgot something.
EARL: Ty...
TY: @$#^#$%&!@#$%!@%$&!#$%!@$!#^!#%!@#$!@#$!!!!
FRANK: Dude, was part of that in German?
HONUS: Romansche actually...but Ty's profanity hasn't solved our problem
TY: No but it did make me feel %)!(%*^!*@&%)*%^!(!*@&%)!#^ better!
EARL: Anyway, who should pitch for us?
HONUS: I vote for Christy Mathewson, he's a decent human being, and an incredibly talented pitcher.
TY: What about Walter Johnson, he used to play for the franchise in Washington, and he actually avoided hitting me in the head, despite the fact that I clubbed his puppy over the head with a shovel...
[PAUSE]
JACKIE: You don't get to talk any more.
PEPPER: As long as we're trying to be surprising and distracting, how about Dazzy Vance, he used to bleach his shirts to match the ball, and blind the crap out of hitters.
FRANK: And Bert Blyleven's farting was so surprising and distracting I still wake up nights sweating.
EARL: Well this is great, we've got four great pitchers, but since the modern game specializes in five man rotations, I think we could use one more. Anyone know someone who totally transcends the game, pitches like a genius, can dance, perform the odd liposuction and stop Ty being totally reprehensible?
[Johan Santana walks by]
JOHAN: Hey guys...cool uniforms.
[Silence]
YOGI: He's perfect...
And so it was that the Alternate Universe Twins completed their roster and began a path towards world domination.
Awww... Johan. Would that he were a real-universe Twin...
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