Something old, something new...

This is it. After months of reading pointless commentaries by baseball pundits, after days and days of no news but Scott Boras' latest ransom demands for major league talent, after the weeks of winter finally, at long last, baseball is in the air again.

Last week the other 29 teams in baseball turned up in their training complexes, began trading stories of fishing trips and bar hopping escapades, and this week the coolest team in baseball (the one whose name starts with an "M" and ends in an "-innesota Twins") arrives in Fort Meyers to start pitching, catching, and feeling the warm rays of Floridian weather before returning to what the Twin Cities laughingly refers to as "April".

We've kept a steady eye on the news outlets gathering all manner of information, and though our time in graduate school has precluded us from posting as often as we would have liked to, not posting did allow us to, you know, learn things. But before everyone arrives we'd like to take a moment and say a "Hi, hello," to the newest members of the Twins family.

First, the former Milwaukee Brewers short stop and Betsy, Katie, and pretty much every lady Twins' fans favorite new piece of eye-candy JJ Hardy. To be sure, JJ offers better hitting than most of our recent short stops...but we'd rather focus on his ability to offer unparalleled mystery solving abilities (as is evidenced by the series of novels based on his childhood)

Second, JJ's new double play partner, Orlando Hudson, whose arrival caused Twins fans excitement to reach a high not felt since he of the Radiant Sideburns first arose to the Major Leagues. Best of all, we here at Peanuts from Heaven get to reuse two of our favorite nicknames from last season which we had thought would fall into desuetude with the departure of Orlando Cabrera. Lucky us: two

seasons, two Orlando's (question: did either Orlando's mother name an older son "Oliver", if so, Shakesfan would be most impressed)

Finally, there's Ol' Smokey. You remember him, the guy who tormented us, destroyed us, ravaged our hopes and left them crumbled like the dusty remnants at the bottom of a box of Cheeze Its? Well, now he's on our side...which, I guess makes our team Sawyer to Jim Thome's Faux-Locke (or Flocke, as we might like to call him)

Yet, all the elation at these three arrivals is tempered by the fact that it came at a hefty price. Namely, the one, the only, THE Carlos Gomez. He has, throughout the past two seasons, inspired us to call him a super villain, a cranky pants, a Ringo Starr body double, and a Velociraptor. He talked to his bats, he screamed in primal fury, he leapt, he dove, he refused to take a pitch. He is, without doubt one of the most entertaining players we have ever seen. And while we wish him well in Milwaukee (Algonquin for the Good Land, don't ya know) we have chosen to honor the memory of Carlos Gomez by making him the second member of the Peanuts From Heaven Hall of Fame.

Good night sweet prince wherever you are, and good morning new princes. Glad you're on our side at last.

Happy Belated Nick Punto Day

So we missed out on all the hubbub about Nick Punto Day, which means we missed out on the opportunity to get some pub on the Star Tribune, which means that, once again, we are writing to our loyal readers--HI MOM!

But, since we have a blog, we are turning up a little bit late to the Nick Punto Day Party, uninvited and with an extra dish of spinich/artichoke dip to make the last few minutes as awkward as possible.

So, what is there to say about Nick Punto that has not already been said? There are all kinds of numbers and UZRs and WARs and PEIHPOIIs* that can tell you how good a baseball player Nick Punto is, and if you like you can click that link up there and see them all again. If you prefer you can check out the kind of stuff we think you should look at and read the brilliance of our buddies at Those Girls, and For the Love... but we here at Peanuts from Heaven will focus instead on these two factoids.

1) Nick Punto appreciated my mustache. I think I've told this story before, but back before I was not exiled to the barren wasteland of Ohio, I worked at a Steakhouse where Twins players often came. Nicky P came in after a mother's day game with his wife and son, and I, while working the door, tried to play it cool and just show "Mr. Punto" to his table. Show him I did, and on the way Nicky P says to me, he says "are you growing your mustache for charity?" "Yes, yes I am Mr. Punto" (because I was), "I work with that charity, thanks for doing that...it looks good." "Thanks Mr. Punto.

Behold said mustache: and the veracity of Nick Punto's aesthetic judgements.

2) It is president's day which is a time to celebrate the one other profession where height does not equate to talent--politics! And the fact that Nicky P, has two whole inches on President #2 of our great land...John Adams.

This is not the only connection between Nicky P and President Adams...oh no. They are both Scorpios, the US population under Adam's presidency was a little more than 5 million, which is about the same as Nicky P's contract option for 2011, and both men have been known to eat dirt. Punto does it because it is the natural side effect of sliding into first base, Adams did it because he had a compulsion for Geophagy--or the eating of earth. This scandal was brought to light in a series of negative ads from 1800 Election rival Thomas Jefferson who smeared Adams with the taunt: "Verily, I may be slinging mud, but at least I am not eating it!"

So forget the stats and the figures and the numbers, the true greatness of Nick Punto comes in two forms. 1--Appreciation of mustaches, 2--similarity to John Adams. (Also, pluck, grit and a secret element on the periodic table known only as Scrappium.)

*If you don't know these stats they stand for Ulitmate Zone Ratings (UZRs) and Wins Against Replacements (WARs) and Please Everyone Ignore How Pointless This Information Is (PEIHPOIIs)

The Thrilling/Self-Evident Conclusion

The time has come to conclude our inaugural faux radio/podcast serial.* And as always the time has come for me to post the links one more time.

For Interweb users, click here, for all the cool kids with iTunes, click here.

And for everyone here now...the final photoshop artwork to accompany this series

*(Sidenote: It will become the "only faux radio/podcast serial if people didn't like it...and since no one has said anything in the comments for the last SEVERAL months...I'm going to assume that the approximately 97 people who have visited this blog think that it is SO INCREDIBLY AWESOME that they are unworthy of posting a comment. But believe me, if you have found this site, even by accident you are beautiful, remarkable unique human snowflake--and you are heartily encouraged/begged to write a comment.)

Super what now?

Apparently there is a football game being played right now that might be kinda important in the course of the season...We here at Peanuts From Heaven respect everyone's right to care about that, but can think of better ways to spend our time than watching a sport whose name is antithetical to the way the game is played (plays involving feet touching the ball in football: 3, plays involving feet touching bases in baseball: MANY).

So, while Stinky celebrates her father's birth, I, Scruffy have just finished watching City of God (which I highly recommend, to everyone who loves a good true life story of Brazilian gang warfare told through a postmodernist lens). But we're not here to pass out movie reviews or wish happy birthdays. Oh no, we're here to take care of some business

1)Dear Body Snatcher GM, We don't know what alien life form you are, and we are a little worried about what you might have done with Bill Smith, but we like your style. Sincerely, Peanuts from Heaven

2) New adventures in photoshop: Keep a look out for the soon to appear photoshops of JJ Hardy, Jim "Smoke Monster" Thome, and Orlando "O-Dog" Hudson. Seriously, compare this with the banner free agents we've signed the last few years: Joe "Ow-My-Back" Crede, Mike "Grizzled Prospector" Lamb, "Tony Fatista"....this is an upgrade.

3) Why we got the upgrade: painful as it is to admit, there's a reason why the ticket price increase was worthwhile. Not just because it's outdoor baseball but because more money from season tickets meant more money to spend on free agents which (hopefully) means more wins during the season. Oh, economics...Hooray for you.

4) Also, Hooray for the stadium/team in general: So admission (and I hope I'm not breaking any privacy laws here), my father works as an EMT during Twins games, and as such had to go take a look at the stadium to plan out routes and safety procedures. (Look at this place it's beautiful even in the snow.)

Also, being an EMT my dad was lucky enough to attend a special banquet thanking the people who work year in and year out to make Twins baseball a safe, enjoyable past time for the whole family. Part of this banquet was a special chocolate center piece including the item pictured below.

Yes, the Twins gave out a chocolate in the shape of a toilet....just let that sink in....chocolate...toilet shaped...AWESOME!!! What a great team!! Who in the hell wants to cheer for the snooty-pants Yankees and their bazillion dollar front row seats when you can cheer for a team who finds potty humor just as funny as you do! [Sigh] So much love.

5) Hooray for turning our attention to baseball. The one saving grace of the Super Bowl...am I pronouncing that correctly? Alright...is that the Twins tend to take this opportunity to advertise for their awesomeness. Witness: THIS AD. I knew there was some reason to watch 22 grown men pummel each other for the sake of a few feet of grass.

Spring is coming--please oh please let it be soon

Into the Fire

In the fourth edition of our special, limited edition podcast, Honus Wagner puts himself in harms way as he confronts the scourge of Yankpires where they live: Castle Von Yankula.

But can he slip through the castle undetected, and can he stop himself from vomiting in terror at the artwork inside?

Find the answers, through our standard links to the Web, and the iTunes.

One more week till the series ends, and then Stinky and I will do our best to be ahead of our school work enough to answer really important questions of life like: Smoke Monster--on our side? WTF? and Who will replace Carlos Ringomez in Sgt. Gardy's Lonely Hit's Club Band?