Wha Happened #10 (@ Marlins, V.s. Royals, Yankees + Vacation)

We Peanuts will be on vacation in Merry-Old England and Crabby-Old Scotland for the next two weeks.

Game 75
Marlins 4 - Twins 2
After being welcomed to Miami by Will Smith the Twins spend the next day in a haze of scantily clad women and mildly mischievous lyrics, leaving them unable to concentrate at Marlins Park.

Will Smith - Miami from moezechief on Vimeo.

Game 76
Marlins 5 - Twins 3
The Twins have a good deal of early success against Miami's starter in the first inning, they run into trouble against Kevin "Killthrow" Slowey, who savored the opportunity to best the team that let him go. Elsewhere "Dr. Cakeburn" Nick Blackburn, and Boof Bonser plotted their revenges as part of the Legion of Pitching Doom.

Game 77
Twins 3 - Royals 1
The Twins had a lead, but it all looked like it would be for not as the Royals started to find their swing...and that's when Samuel Deduno turned his whole persona up a notch.

"Yo Moustakas, what's greek for better than you: DEDUNO!! HAHAHAHAHA!"
"You know David...your name makes me think...but your swing makes me Lough! HAHAHAHA!! Am I right Bros, am I right?...I'm right."
"Oh, and Eliot Johnson, is it? Say hello to my little friend...his name's Pedro Florimon: KA BOOM!!"

Such was the bro-i-tude of Samuel De-Dude-Bro. It may be obnoxious, but it's in our interest.

Game 78
Royals 9 - Twins 3
Following the previous nights victory, Chairman Joe Mauer (he whose sideburns prompt the moss to grow on trees and whose knees bend into a crouch as the corn stalks droop with their bounty) announced that he would forgo getting hits throughout the series as a sign of his generosity to Kansas City.

"You know, umm...they've had a hard time lately, but ahhh...you know I think they'd really appreciate a little support in their time of need and you know....ummm...hopefully this reminds them that their bourgeois monarchy is a paltry shadow of its former greatness and that they would be better served in a Twins-Territory style dictatorsh--I mean democracy........ya know"

It did not work.

Game 79
Twins 6 - Royals 2
It was a big night as Twins' blogosphere's favorite pitching prospect--Kyle Gibson--made his debut as Kyle Gibson in Kyle Gibson's Twins Debut: Starring Kyle Gibson!! Fortunately Kyle Gibson perfectly embodied the Kyle Gibson-ness of Kyle Gibson by Kyle Gibsoning the Kyle Gibson all over the Kyle Gibson.

Also the Twins won.

Plus! Kyle Gibson

Game 80
Royals 9 - Twins 8
Once upon a time (back in a dark and gloomy age I like to call: 2011) The Twins were prone to face difficult situations and crawl into a little cave of sadness and despair. If they were going to lose it seemed, they might as well lose with their eyes clenched shut and walked real slow and dreamt about an offseason trip to St. Barths.

Sunday, the writing was on the wall. The Twins had a lead and lost it. Every time the Twins got close the Royals came back...but instead of going to their cave of sadness and despair, the Twins kept trying. Showing that even in the face of defeat, they insist on putting forward their best effort.

But they lost. And across the plain those who refuse to enjoy anything shouted: STUPID TWINS! Trying's for chumps!!

Game 81
Yankees 10 - Twins 4
Stupid Yankees.

With the Twins clinging to a one run lead in the 8th Jared Burton entered and then this happened to every Twins fan, Gardy and Burton himself

Also: Stupid Yankees.

Game 82
Yankees 7 - Twins 3
Damn Yankees.

For many years now we have subscribed to the belief that the Yankees are secretly Vampires who leech off of easily duped New York Fans, depriving them of money, human decency and blood to fund the expansion of their empire by turning good baseball players into vampires (and as a result, great baseball players).

You may scoff, but which is more likely: one team making all the right moves for 100 years, or the existence of vampires? (Admit it, it's vampires)

With the injuries and debilitations that have knocked many of the most prestigious Yankpires (your Jeters/A-Rods/Texerias/Grandersons) the Yankees owner-who-shall-not-be-named opted to sign a slew of players, and turn them all into vampires. So it's less like fighting off a single diabolical count (as in Dracula), and more like fighting off a horde of them (as in Underworld or Buffy the Vampire Slayer).

So it was that the Twins succumbed to the death by a thousand-piddly-Yankpire-nibbles

Also: Damn Yankees.

Game 83
Yankees 3 - Twins 2
Seriously, Yankees? Seriously?

You know it's not a good sign when the entire row of people your sitting with gets a little anxious in the fifth (when PJ Walters starts to get hit hard by the bottom of the order).

It's worse when the row of people goes "what's he still doing out there" at the beginning of the sixth.

And it's the worst when there are quickly two men on, first base open and Robinson "I Eat Twins Pitching for Breakfast, Lunch, Dinner and my Tea Time Snack" Cano at the plate...and your faltering pitcher throws to him. (Because that's the moment the entire section of people you're sitting with puts their heads down and just waits for the inevitable boom)

Ballpark Food Haiku

Kramarczek's bratwurst

Plopping mustard, sauerkraut

Out of syllables

Also: SERIOUSLY?

Game 84
Yankees 9 - Twins 5
Oh...god...[sighs, shakes head]...Yankees.

After the first three games, the Twins set slightly lower expectations for their July 4th matinee against the Bronx bombers.
*Objective 1: Kyle Gibson retires future hall of gamer Ichiro Suzuki 1 time! (DONE!!--after two hits and a run...but still...HE DID IT!!)
*Objective 2: Avoid squandering bases loaded opportunities (DONE!!--We only squandered opportunities with two runners on! YAY!)
*Objective 3: Deliver elbow pounds to Justin Morneau (HUZZAH...there was even a reason for doing it!)

Meanwhile, in an alternate reality, our founding fathers set similarly low expectations for their July 4th matinee 237 years ago.
*Objective 1: Declare a couple of ideas to sort of be kind of interesting.
*Objective 2: Address the tyrannical reign of King George the III by passive aggressively not signing or including any kind of personal message inside Ye Olde Hallmarke Carde.
*Objective 3: Only let Ben Franklin drink 13 pints of ale, instead of his customary 15.
...of course in that alternate reality the Minnesota Twins lost their Major League Cricket game to the New York Georges 720 to 15 (but Justin Morneau did hit two sixes...so that was nice...)

Ballpark Food Haiku

Sweet and tangy Pork

Deep Fried Pie and a Ginger

Tastes like freedom, natch.

Finally: SERIOUSLY?!? I mean....SERIOUSLY!?

Mr Peanut: TIE! Justin Morneau and Caleb Theilbar! (One's back in form, the other's never lost it!)
Nutty Buddy: Jared Burton (Come on beardy...let's get it going)

Deja Vu All Over Again

After three games in Baltimore things look a little grim for the Twins. After last season's stinkfest fans are carefully attuned to the ups and (especially) the downs. So every little foible fels like a harbinger of another doom-tastic year.

Cheer up Charlie...or Lexi...
(Credit Patrick Semansky Tri-City Herald)

Not to encourage the pessimists, but it sure seems like the 2012 Twins are emulating the 2011 Twins as much as possible.

Impotent hitting with Runners on base: CHECK!

Lack of quality starts from the rotation: CHECK!

Goofy errors at the worst possible moment: CHECK!

Flukey injuries to seemingly healthy players: CHECKMATE!!

Unfortunately it doesn't get much easier for the Twins as they embark on a 16 game swing against sure fire playoff contenders: Los Angeles, Texas, New York, Tampa Bay and Boston. If you play like that against Baltimore...well...yikes...

Tomorrow, the Twins' home opener will begin at the same time that I'm taking our High School track team on a long distance slog. And while some might say that watching the Twins and running long distances are exercises in futility, I'll gladly do both because no matter how you feel at the beginning, the middle, or the end, it's the journey that makes it worthwhile.

Suggestions for Getting out of a Funk

It seems like every time the Twins get a little momentum--a burst of power hitting, a solid outing by the bullpen, a clutch knock to walk-off with a game winner--something halts us in our tracks the very next day. Win in Toronto? Lose in New York. Pull off a comeback win in the Bronx? Rain out stalls the progress. Great homecoming for Mauer & Nathan? Oakland pitchers wipe out the weekend. Danny V. gives us a walk off win Tuesday night? Liriano's one bad inning dooms the next game.

While it feels inconceivable that our hitters, our pitchers and our defense would be slumping simultaneously...the evidence is right there. But again, in keeping with the whole "positive thinking" thing we're trying out this year--we'd like to make the following suggestions to the Twins as they seek to bust out of this slump on the upcoming road trip:

• Visit a Zen garden and meditate on human existence and the scale of the universe and how fun it is to hit curveballs.
• Take a group visit to Denard Span's mom so she can make you warm cookies and remind you that no matter what, people love you and believe in you.
• Go on a trust building retreat with each other, where pitchers fall back into the arms of their waiting defense (make sure there are extra big gloves for when Matt Capps falls)
• Blow off some steam by pulling a prank on Joe Mauer by dyeing his sideburns blond while he's asleep.
• Try something new and exotic, like Baltimore's famous crab cakes! Or pitching a complete game shutout!!
• If all else fails...Sacrifice two goats and a rooster to the baseball gods (like the one pictured at the right, he'd definitely prefer lady goats just fyi.)

We're with you Twins, rain or shine or fiery hail of dragon dung. Here's hoping something clicks sooner rather than later.

WOOT

Our apologies for not posting this weekend (internets and whatnot). Suffice it to say, it was a pretty good weekend. Friday let something to be desired, but as Stinky pointed out "we were bound to lose one eventually". Saturday was thrilling, but took so long that sleep conquered both the authors before Jim Thome took over the land of Cleve. And special Sunday thanks go out to the Knitting Queen who called me up with gleeful updates as O-Dog & Slo-Dog gave us a series win.

{Sidebar: Dear Twins, I would like to see a sitcom featuring the comical misadventures of Orlando Hudson & Kevin Slowey. It will be titled: O-Dog & Slo-Dog and it will be awesome. Thank you in advance, Scruffy Rube}

But this series victory brings us to a rather critical juncture in the season: 3 games in the South Side of Chicago against our closest rival. I'm sure that most people are already crunching the various permeutations of potential out comes (games-ahead, magic numbers, etc.); and while it's true that we can't lose first place, we can sure lose the momentum we've built up since losing three in Texas (going 12-3 is pretty nice).

This is one of my favorite parts of baseball. While other sports have more playoff spots to fight over, the teams involved rarely play games of consequence against eachother in the final weeks. Head-to-head contests in football might not happen between contending teams in different divisions, and in basketball you've got so many teams in the post-season that you need to be truly mediocre to be in danger of missing out...ooh! mediocrity, how dramatic!

But for the Twins, we will spend the next 20 days playing 19 games against 6 teams. While 5 of those teams may want to beat us for a psychological boost going into the offseason (or, in the case of Detroit, just to be mean) the Chicago White Sox have a vested interest in beating the snot out of us, stealing our mojo and ruining our dreams of Target Field in autumnal glory. I won't say "the division is on-the-line" but I will say that "the champion of our regional subzone of the American League may point to this series as crucial to their success" (cliches are silly).

But as geeked up as I am, we will have to wait one whole day to find out what happens next. So until then, send good vibes, take deep breaths, and watch a potential teaser trailer for O-Dog & Slo-Dog (at the bottom of this post).

Snatching defeat from the jaws of humiliation

First things first, congratulations to the Rangers on pitching a heckuva ball game (see, we're magnanimous even in defeat, will you please lose to us now?)

Secondly, I thought I would share with you all the general thought processes of Stinky and myself throughout last night's game. See if you can tell which style of fandom is more conducive to happiness and sanity.

Pre-game:

Scruffy: Ooh boy, baseball!

Stinky: YAY! (Also yay for Bon Appetit)

1st Inning:

Scruffy: That ain't good.

Stinky: No. No it is not.

3rd Inning:

Stinky: Okay, I've got to go to Yoga, hope the Twins have better luck without me than with me.

Scruffy: I will tell them [whether or not they'll hear me, I don't know]

5th Inning:

Scruffy: Oh dear.

Stinky: Ommmmmmmm

6th Inning:

Scruffy: Con sarn it JJ! That's not helpful!!

Stinky: Ommmmmmmm

7th Inning:

Scruffy: No, no, no, no NOOOOOO!!!!!! BLACKBURN DOES NOT DESERVE THIS!!

Stinky: Ommmmmmmm

8th Inning:

Stinky: Back! That was fun, but I need to shower.

Scruffy: I hope you brought good vibes back from yoga...we need them...

9th Inning:

Scruffy: THANK YOU JOE MAUER: LITTLE BABY JESUS SIDEBURNS AND ALL!!!

Stinky: Wha? We lost why are you so happy?

Scruffy: I--because--uhh--[pants from emotional exhaustion]--the--thing--and--no-hit, bad--[falls asleep from overexertion]

So, don't just sit and stew over the game, get up, exercise, meditate, write haikus it helps!

No winter, not yet:

Painful burns from Texas Sun

a small price for glory

There, I feel better already

Careful what you wish for...

I asked Gardy Clause for the chance to go to bed early, and that's where I'm headed as I write this (down 9-0 in the 8th...I'm clearly not helping the cause any, hopefully they'll do better without me watching).

Two things that help me stay calm during this debacle for the Twins and Senor Stache:

1--It was bound to happen: We win 58% of our games, so over 7 games, we should win 4...instead over 7 we've won 6! So...we're just obeying the law of averages tonight...can't blame us for obeying the law, right?

2--Yoga: Unsurprisingly when you focus in on breathing and standing on your head, you don't notice the stinkiness of the game quite as much...convenient eh?

And if those pieces of news weren't enough, just remember: Torii's coming to town tomorrow! WOO! Welcome home Tor-double i! :)

Rhyme and Reason

First, great win last night. Cuddy, Delmon and Senor 'Stache...all we need. Well, that and my father giggling over his witticism "Wiggington WIGGED OUT!"

As frequent readers (all three of you) will know, we here at Peanuts From Heaven love baseball history including this little rhyme about my father's favorite team as a boy (the Milwaukee Braves) and their pitching woes

Spahn, Sain and Pray for Rain

It is in that spirit therefore that we introduce our very own, globalized Twins rhyme to reflect our own pitching woes.

Pavano, Liriano and hope for a hurricano

Repeat that as often as you like, it's a helpful little mantra.

Quick, like a ninja

The game will be on shortly, and the good news is that Stinky and I are coming to the home stretch of our homework loads this year--so in short order we can devote ourselves to the truly important things in this world: truth, justice, disgusting odors and the Minnesota Twins.

But with our various other duties we are only now getting to tonight's post, so, apologies for the abbreviated nature of this one, but we're seeking expediency here at all costs.

1) Little Nicky Punto has an owie (but not a dragon inflicted owie like Jose Mijares so, that's a plus). This means that Luke Hughes is coming up, which means we have an Australian on our team which means I may need to be nice to Australians, which is not something I'm good at. Don't get me wrong, I know and have worked with several Australians and they are largely wonderful people. They are also perpetually sarcastic (something to do with being stranded on a god forsaken rock with a bunch of convicts probably), and as a constantly peppy person I don't do well with sarcasm--it hurts my tender American feelings (sniff).

But in an effort to help Luke Hughes feel comfortable we'd like to show him that our love and affection in the culturally appropriate Australian way. By mocking him (and by him we mean Australia in general) mercilessly. (Ahem): "Hey Luke Hughes! Stop putting that Vegemite on your hotdog and listen up! I know that you're going to be tempted during the course of the game to hug Jason Kubel because his beard reminds you of a koala but please remember that the only way that Kubel would ever want to hug you is if you behave hop around the bases like a kangaroo after your first major league hit! Also, Baz Luhrman's films are self-indulgent! THERE I SAID IT!!! Now go out there and make us proud! (oops that's too nice) Go out there and try not to kill Nemo!"

2) We rocked that home stand, and are in fact pretty much rocking everything in sight these days (5 straight series wins? Hells to the yes!). But while this is very good the best thing that came out of this home stand was the following revelation from Denard Span (courtesy of the Star Trib): "I was nervous as could be about how cold it was going to be here in April. I had my ninja outfit ready to go." As Stinky pointed out to me last weekend, this means that Denard is, as she has long suspected...A NINJA! "Think about it," she said, "you pretty much have to be a ninja to play centerfield, fast, agile, capable of sudden strikes when its least expected."

When I claimed that Carlos Gomez was too noisy to be a Ninja stinky pointed out that he was "the dysfunctional ninja, the diet coke of ninjas." However, as she pointed out to me "Denard is also silent and stealthy, he just stands at the plate and waits and waits and then--BOOM he's on first base with a walk!"

I can picture Denard now, on his days off from the Twins, skulking around Minneapolis in his ninja gear, using throwing stars to pin White Sox fans to walls, using his cat like reflexes to scale the elevator shafts in the Wells Fargo building until he reaches the super computers and adjusts the interest rates on savings bonds. Sigh...oh Denard, why must you be so awesome?

As always we hope that the awesomeness can continue but understand if it doesn't. And as the boys head back on the road we send them off with the full support of Twins Territory, and as an homage to our Ninja Centerfielder, we send them off with a haiku

Take your home with you

Flashing streaks of number two

Victory is ours

HOLY SHNIKES!!!!

We won...I can't believe we won...we trailed by 7 games at the start of the month...we trailed by 3 games less than a week ago...we trailed by three runs when I went to class tonight...and we won...

In slightly awkward news, I had on my "Peanuts from Heaven" shirt and was rubbing the logo for good luck at opportune moments, and then pretty much constantly...so much so that a classmate said: "does he have an itch or something?"--Nope, just a skosh of an obsessive compulsive tic.

Here's the important thing to note: the Tigers are awesome. Officially. They are an excellent team with a passionate fan base, a great group of players, an excellent manager and a complete understanding of how the game ought to be played. They work real hard and they deserve praise and adulation for being the class of the division for most of this season. Hats of to Leyland, Granderson, Ordonez, Rayburn, the whole pitching staff (whom I've met and was greatly impressed by), and especially Jim "Classy-Dude" Leyland.

Now we will try to make the Central proud, make it more than a punch-line and will also endeavor to do what we have not done at all this year, or ever in the postseason: we're going to try to beat the Yankees...but realistically, who cares? We have had a great season, accomplished a lot and should be very proud of ourselves no matter what god awful things befall us in the Bronx. Fingers crossed for tomorrow night--but let's not worry about that too much, let's remember what we did today, the triumph of Gogo, and Delmon, and Alexi...and let's remember that haiku:

However it goes,

Awesomeness needs no reward;

The journey is all.

Trite but True

Okay--this needs to stop. The losing and the not playing so well and the whatnots.

Fixating on what's gone wrong doesn't help.

Demanding perfection in the near or immediate future doesn't help.

Playing hard, playing well, playing your best whenever you have the chance, giving 110% every time you take the field, focusing on what you can do in each individual at bat, taking the season one game at a time.

That is Zen baseball, that is Twins baseball. So repeat after me: Ohm Ani Pani Ooom, One Game At A Time, Ohm Ani Pani Oooom, Love the Twins Win or Lose, Ohm Ani Pani Ooom.....

I feel better already