Another Perfect Night in Twins Territory

--FROM OFFICIAL TWINS TERRITORY NEWS MEDIA--

Prior to last evening's game against the Pirates of Pittsburgh--whose noble people shall be freed from the shackles of despotic management once they submit to the glory and the power that is Twinsism--Twins Territory Chairman Joseph Mauer--Glories and Hosannas be upon his name--decreed that the sky should open and rain should fall upon the arid lawns of all loyal Twins Territorians. 

Furthermore, in another example of the prescience and forethought that have made Twins Territory a shining beacon in a sea of troubled waters that are actually land--but will be called seas for the sake of this metaphor--his Shining Sideburnedness sheltered the playing field in a most ingenious teflon covering which is the greatest and most wonderful thing of all time (it also made Andrew McCutchen--the glowing bonfire of hope along the Alleghany--drop a ball and help us to win).

Meanwhile, a treasonous ball, which slipped from the Chairman's all-powerful hand and was labeled an error by villainous agents of the West, was arrested for subversiveness, libel and acts contrary to the best interests of Twins Territory. It shall never be spoken of for all eternity.

Beyond these acts of bravery and fortitude Chairman Mauer also stroked the ball brilliantly each time he came to the plate, fed all citizens of the bleacher seats by multiplying hot dogs and peanuts, personally provided the lighting for the stadium with his natural aura of goodness and light, saved a kitten from a nearby tree, and cured cancer...simultaneously.

Know Thine Enemy '09: The Pittsburgh Pirates

Reasons we should loot and pillage the Pirates with superior swordsmanship and the occasional swinging via long arm on to their dugout.

1. Where do you get off? I would call the Pirates ownership criminally inept--but that would be an insult to criminally inept people. The bungling, blundering, bufoon-ish cabal that runs the Pirates has spent 14 years running off every talented player in the city, and demanding that the city build them a new stadium to contend. Only once the new stadium was built the Pirates sucked only marginally less than they had before. 
   

(Meanwhile it took the Twins 6 years of contention to get a new stadium) The imbecillic ignorami which have systematically alienated the good people of Pittsburgh for over a decade must be dealt with, and I say we're just the team to bludgeon them senselessly until we bring about regime change. *62 Loathing Points*

2. Title Town They won the Super Bowl, they just won the Stanley Cup, if they win the World Series too they'd be like Boston--only far less arrogantly academic. *17 Loathing Points*

Reasons we should best the Pirates through adroit witticisms rather than brute force

1. Ownership? You know, millionaire owners are not affected by our wrath nearly as much as serious fans are. And Pittsburgh is full of serious fans. They deserve something better than total annihilation. *-14 Loathing Points*
2. PNC/Pittsburgh I've been there. It's awesome, particularly when fans stick it out through the rain to watch an extra inning walk off home run. *-8 Loathing Points*
3. Sid F#$@!%G Bream?!?!? I became a baseball fan when the Twins won the Series in '91. I became a baseball fanatic when the Pirates lost the NLCS in '92. Everyone else loved the Braves, I loved the Pirates--just to be different. They made it to Game 7 and they had it won. Until a back-up catcher, hit a bleeding single to left center and the slowest man in the history of baseball plodded home from second ahead of a sweep tag that I have sworn for the last 17 years GOT HIM OUT!!! The Twins taught me to love Baseball, The Pirates taught me it won't always love you back. *-49 Loathing Points*
4. Honus Wagner--Baseball's original badass. A trash talking, hard-core German shortstop with power and speed whose reanimated corpse we would gladly hire in a heartbeat. He gets little press but he was every bit as amazing and revolutionary as Ruth and Cobb, and for that we give Pittsburgh mad props. *-15 Loathing Points*

Final Loathe-o-Meter Rating: -7 Loathing Points

I can't believe I'm saying this...but the Pittsburgh Pirates are our Friend. (Or at least a frenemy)

Punishment: In a Peanuts from Heaven First--the Pittsburgh Pirates must merely lose...nothing else. (We'll even buy them a beer afterwards)

You know what?

We went on a roadtrip, and it did not totally suck!

We did not lose 85 Gajillion to 1. Delmon actually got a couple hits. The smoke monster from LOST did not eat our entire starting lineup and then spit them out like a bad nut. The sun did not become a red giant and engulf the entire earth in flames. Gardy was not kidnapped by trolls. Overall I think it went very well.

Considering how every other time this year that we've dared to venture outside the safety of the metrodome has ended in utter disaster, I'll take 500 any day.

I was also highly entertained by our series against the Cubbies. Milton Bradley forgot how to count to three, but can you really blame him? Counting was such a long time ago, and when I think of all the things I learned in school that I've now forgotten (my entire 10th grade world history class is reduced in my mind to a squiggly line on the board which I think was the long march of China, and a few random facts about the Industrial Revolution), you can hardly blame a guy for forgetting how to count.

Also, in a random act of violence, a Twins fan was either punched in the face or hit in the face with a ball (I'm not entirely clear on the facts here). I'm pretty sure that Twins fan was my friend Paul, and that getting hit in the face was karmic retribution for being there without me and for taunting me with pictures and text messages throughout the weekend. SUCK IT PAUL.

And... a big fat welcome back to Glen Perkins! It feels nice to have our starting rotation back in action. Swarzak was good, Perkins is better.

We definitely do not approve of this message

Wrigley is marvelous. This we know.

Wrigley is marvelous because of ivy, Harry Carrey, gigantic sausages, and because we won.

However, Wrigley contains some characters. Somebody who punched a Twins fan for not throwing back Mauer's home run. A homeless man named Ronnie Woo-Woo who sneaks into every game ever (and always goes: "woo-woo" hence the name). And Milton Bradley, who shared this opinion with Jason Kubel before the game.

[During batting practice]

BRADLEY: Hey! KUBEL!!! HEY!!! C'mere a second man, I wanna talk to you

KUBEL: Uh...hi Milton Bradley, starting Right Fielder for the Chicago Cubs.

BRADLEY: Why did you refer to me by my full name, position and organization?

KUBEL: Force of habit...we do that so that those unfamiliar with baseball will understand the blogs.

BRADLEY: Cool. Anyway, dude, mad props on the Running is Stupid campaign you got goin' on!

KUBEL: Thanks Milton, I appreciate that.

BRADLEY: I got an informative campaign goin on too!

KUBEL: What's yours Milton?

BRADLEY: Counting is stupid!

KUBEL: Huh?

BRADLEY: Think about it...how often do you count things?

KUBEL: Uh...every day?

BRADLEY: No way...what do you count?

KUBEL: Um..strikes, balls, outs?

BRADLEY: THAT'S STUPID!! I don't ever count anything! Particularly when there are so many surprising and distracting things to--SQUIRREL!!! [Bradley stands at attention staring intently into the ivy in the outfield, where he believes there is a squirrel. ] Anyway...counting is stupid.

KUBEL: Seriously, Milton, I don't think that's...

BRADLEY: Look banner Jason!!

KUBEL: Is that a piece of pizza above your banner?

BRADLEY: Yes...yes it is...

KUBEL: Why?

BRADLEY: This Chicago unless there is something covered in cheese, Chicagoans will not listen to your words of wisdom. Anyway man, I just wanted to come by and say nice work, and I hope to work with you on future anti-stupid--SQUIRREL!!! [Bradley again stands at attention staring into the ivy in the outfield. On the other side of the batting cage, Masters of Supraction Delmon Young and Michael Cuddyer quickly develop a plan.]

So it came to pass, that Milton Bradley's well intentioned attempt to rid the world of counting, was bested by the fine art of Supraction. And thus did the Minnesota Twins arise victorious from their day in the sun at Wrigleyville.

It's a marvelous place.

Know Thine Enemy '09: The Chicago Cubs

First this: I would not mind if the entire western coast of the United States slipped into the Pacific Ocean...except San Francisco...I have friends there...other than that, all the west coast, particularly their baseball teams who manage to eke out stinktastic wins over us by single runs when we DESERVE TO WIN THE FLUNKING GAME!!!!

Sorry...Cranky Pants returned, deep breath, think about Supraction and all its many uses...back to normal.

Now lets turn our attention to this weekend's enemy...I mean...opponent: The Chicago Cubs.

REASONS WE SHOULD ROLL OVER CHICAGO LIKE A BOULDER UNLEASHED FROM AN ANCIENT TOMB CHASING DOWN A GUY IN A FEDORA:

1. Smug, Smug, Smug: One thing was made profoundly clear to me by every Chicagoan I ever meet. White Sox fans are hard core. Cubs fans are too busy practicing feng shui to be hard core. Perhaps this story tells it best--when the White Sox win a division title they, city politicians, almost all of whom are Sox fans, blow air raid sirens to celebrate. When the Cubs won their division last year they asked why the air raid sirens weren't blown. Fire Marshall said: "We wouldn't want you Cubs fans spilling yer CHAR-DO-NAY!!!!!" *23 Loathing Points*
2. Whine, Whine, Whine: Speaking of Chardonay, it is a proven fact that the Chicago Cubs are enduring the worst championship drought in baseball history. How can you establish that fact? See anyone wearing Cubs regalia ever, and engage them in conversation for more than 3 seconds. You will almost assuredly hear them complain about this being the 101st season since they won their last championship. The one thing Cubs do better than gloat about success, is whine about failure. *46 Loathing points*
3. They had their chance: As students of baseball history both Stinky and I love the book Crazy '08, about the last Cubs championship. However, we didn't exactly love the Cubs. They were smug in the face of adversity and whined their way into playoffs--hey, somethings don't change--they also managed to best our beloved Honus Wagner. It may be over a century late, but for Honus let there be vengeance!! *18 Loathing Points*
4. The one true manager: Cubs Manager Lou Pinella has a reputation for being the craziest, crankiest, angriest manager ever. Ahem...your rebuttal Mr. Gardenhire? *5 Loathing Points*

REASONS WE SHOULD ROLL OVER CHICAGO LIKE FILM CRITICS ROLLED OVER THE MOST RECENT INDIANA JONES FILM--WITH AN AIR OF REGRET

1. Wrigley: Say what you will about Cubs fans, they know how to have a good time. Wrigley is party central, and it also happens to be a beautiful place. It's like a palace you can hold a kegger in. There's singing, there's dancing, there's polka--I'm serious--there's polka, it's incredible to see and experience. *-45 Loathing Points*
2. Maybe it will stop: If we all just let the Cubs win one, maybe they'll shut up about having not won for so long. Maybe they'll just become another team and we can all move on without having to hear paeans about their pain 29 times a season...then again, maybe they'll still be as insufferable as Red Sox fans. *-19 Loathing Points*
3. Dorkier...if that's possible: You know the "We're Gonna Win Twins!" song? Which will occasionally sing a little bit if we're in the right mood--and a little drunk? The Cubs have a song like that too--only everyone sings it, drunk or not, win or not, all three verses. That is how dorky the Cubs are...I'm a dork, don't get me wrong, but three verses of a cheesy 70s song dead sober? That's special. *-8 Loathing Points*

Final Loathe-o-Meter Rating: 20 Loathing Points

(-12 Loathing Points from last year)

Punishment: One more incomprehensible Billy Corgan song.

Hello Delmon My Old Friend

HEY! Two victories! On the Road! That's kind of sort of totally awesome!!!

Now I could give credit for this victory to the pitchers, including Lirano* and Ayala--who I honestly expected to mutate into puddles of water like in X-men, so that the mound got very soggy and ruined the rest of the night for our pitchers. Or in the home run hit by Jason "Running is Stupid" Kubel.

*Side note--is it just me or do Francisco's struggles the second time through the order remind you of that old saying coined by our last president: "Fool me once, shame on you--fool me twice, shame on...can't get fooled again!"

But instead I'd like to give a shout out to a forgotten friend. A man we have not written nice things about since New Years. Delmon Mergatroid Young. Erstwhile Master of Supraction.

It has not been a good season for Del. He was supposed to be a break out star. Another power hitter, the sixth straight dynamite bat in an indomitable line up. And instead he has...well...sucked is a little mean...but he may well have slurped a bit.

It's not entirely his fault mind you. Sure, he ignores advice on his swing, sure he can't seem to figure out how to take a pitch and earn a walk. But he is hitting in front of Tolbert and Punto--the walking dead infield--with their sub .200 averages. So...there's not much need to challenge him. And sadder still...he lost his mom. As noted lovers of our mothers, we at Peanuts From Heaven send him condolences on that.

So it's been nice that Delmon has batted in four whole runs in the last two games. I won't pretend that this has suddenly made him the greatest player ever. But it's nice to see him back. I hope the first two months were one long distraction...so that now its time for a surprise--A SUPRACTION!!! KABAM!!

Welcome back-ish Delmon. Stick around---it's fun.

The Mollification of Mr. Cranky Pants

Last night I was torn between three dominant emotions:

1) Tenuous excitement about a slim lead

2) Tremendous excitement about a big lead

3) Tremendous terror at our 9th inning debacle

However, to be fair, if Ze Ubermensch and Pretty Princess Mijares are going to have one bad night per month that it should be during games where we have a nice fat lead.

But lost among the number of homers, and imploding bullpen is perhaps the greatest play of the night: in the 6th inning, with Jason Kubel on first, one out, and Cuddyer at the plate the following signals were exchanged between Scott Ulger and Jason Kubel.

ULGER: Right shoulder tap, left shoulder tap, brush right leg (Translation: Run really really hard when Cuddy hits the ball)

KUBEL: Left helmet touch, nose touch (Translation: I don't wanna.)

ULGER: Helmet brim graze, buckle tap,buckle tap, buckle tap (You're a professional athlete--RUN!)

KUBEL: Right elbow wiggle, belt buckle tug, brush left leg (But we've lost the last few games when I was trying to run hard--and besides, I brought my giraffes with me.)

ULGER: Chin scratch, deep knee bend, helmet shake (We are not having this debate, when the ball is hit RUN HARD!!)

KUBEL: Touch tongue to nose, pirouette, jete, jete (Can't I be a ballerina instead? It's fun look!!)

ULGER: Break down crying (For the love of everything holy, RUN!)

Kubel, out of mercy to Scotty Ulger was prepared to run, but then he looked at his banner holding giraffes, still gripping their anti-running banner but with a look of abject disappointment on their faces. So, when Cuddyer tapped the ball lightly to second, Kubel ran a little, then stopped, just, stopped, because running is stupid. The second baseman was flummoxed, confused, utterly supracted, and failed to turn a double play, finally tagging Kubel in bewilderment.

Cuddyer was on first, and then Brendan Harris, Delmon Young, and Carlos Gomez hit the ball real hard and we scored three much needed runs. Which was followed the next inning by the ultimate display of Kubel's anti-running feelings: a home run.

While Ulger and Gardy would have preferred the running, but the giraffes clearly like not running more--and there are few things more terrifying than peeved giraffe.