--FROM OFFICIAL TWINS TERRITORY NEWS MEDIA--
Prior to last evening's game against the Pirates of Pittsburgh--whose noble people shall be freed from the shackles of despotic management once they submit to the glory and the power that is Twinsism--Twins Territory Chairman Joseph Mauer--Glories and Hosannas be upon his name--decreed that the sky should open and rain should fall upon the arid lawns of all loyal Twins Territorians. Furthermore, in another example of the prescience and forethought that have made Twins Territory a shining beacon in a sea of troubled waters that are actually land--but will be called seas for the sake of this metaphor--his Shining Sideburnedness sheltered the playing field in a most ingenious teflon covering which is the greatest and most wonderful thing of all time (it also made Andrew McCutchen--the glowing bonfire of hope along the Alleghany--drop a ball and help us to win).
Meanwhile, a treasonous ball, which slipped from the Chairman's all-powerful hand and was labeled an error by villainous agents of the West, was arrested for subversiveness, libel and acts contrary to the best interests of Twins Territory. It shall never be spoken of for all eternity.
Beyond these acts of bravery and fortitude Chairman Mauer also stroked the ball brilliantly each time he came to the plate, fed all citizens of the bleacher seats by multiplying hot dogs and peanuts, personally provided the lighting for the stadium with his natural aura of goodness and light, saved a kitten from a nearby tree, and cured cancer...simultaneously.
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