Know Thine Enemy '09: The Houston Astros

Reasons we should blast the Astros into outer space, where no one can hear them scream or see them stink:

1. My, that's a lot of Backne you've got there: We here at Peanuts from Heaven are notably anti-steroid--probably because we never reaped the benefits others did. Sure, we had Juan Rincon pitch really well for 30 days, but we never had someone hit 756 home runs, we never hired two MVPs who admittedly used steroids, and we sure as hell never had two over forty guys throwing the best stuff of their lives. We had Brad Radke going quietly into that dark night and Boof Bonser eating Bear Claw after Bear Claw. But even after all the steroid mess got out, even after all the suspicion and taints and what not: the Astros went ahead and signed another ex-MVP whose name has been bandied about among the syringes. So...Houston, if you're expecting pity for reaping the rewards of baseball's biggest scandal since Pete Rose--don't hold your breath. *88 Loathing Points*
2. LOOK WHAT YOU DID: The Astros thought it would be a good idea to move baseball indoors...so they did this and we did this...ugly begets ugly--shame on you for tricking us Houston...you and your melifluous accents! *35 Loathing Points*
3. Speaking of ugly: This should never be inflicted on anyone ever. *16 Loathing Points*

Reasons we should tap the Astros on the shoulder and politely inform them: "Houston, we have a problem."

1. Yawn: During the Astros Glory Days (yes, the Astros, oh best beloved, had Glory Days) there was no more formidible tandem than Jeff Bagwell and Craig Biggio. Two men who played hard, lived well, and were so ungodly boring that no one outside of Texas could watch them play. That's pretty much the whole of the Astros team history. They're fine, they're just dull...nobody in the history of the Astros has the spark and spunk and general insanity that there is on the Twins (or that there is in Carlos Gomez's little fingernail). It's not like the Yankees where blandness is a virtue because it helps you blend in with non-vampires--it's just plain, old, soul-sucking banality. So we could beat them, but why? Their fans are too bored to cheer for them, their enemies are too bored to beat them, I'm too bored writing this to come up with a better jab than "Houston, we have a problem." So just lose Houston...we don't care how, just lose and take your boring...ahhhhhhhnnnn...I'm sorry, what was I writing? *-100 Loathing Points*

Final Loathe-O-Meter Rating: 39 Loathing Points

Punishment: I would threaten you with line dancing to the Achy-Breaky Heart, but since that might be enjoyable in Houston, I will instead threaten you with learning the dance steps for Om Shanti Om.

(NOTE: I am not insulting Bollywood or Shah Rukh Khan--I'm insulting Astros fans who would be scared to death of this, now please pass the Kurkure)