The Battle for the Strike Zone

Last night at the Metrodome, all was well until umpire Paul Schrieber made a villainous decision, in the sixth inning that would change the course of the game.

Rather than calling a third strike looking, he hesitated, and threw Kevin "Killthrow" Slowey (he of the best record on the team, the killer arsenal of pitches, the admiration of the mass media and badass costume) into the pits of despair from whence derived the only runs Slowey gave up all night. The next inning, he again refused to grant a called third strike to Princess Jose Mijares, which led to more Cleveland baserunners and gritted teeth throughout Twins Territory

What follows is the feverish imagined encounter as Schrieber taunted Mijares and Slowey
Schrieber: Kiss your beautiful record goodbye Slowey!! 6 Innings of work for naught--NAUGHT I SAY!!!
Slowey: You will never get away with this Schrieber...you just don't have a pirate name.
Schrieber: But I have the hat!
Slowey: You look ridiculous
Schrieber: I HAVE A MONKEY!! Besides...I look cooler than Mijares...he looks ridiculous...
Mijares: You know, Kevin--
Slowey: Killthrow
Mijares: Killthrow, fine, he does have a point. Maybe he'd call those strikes for me if I could be something cooler--like a knight or a dragon or something...
Slowey: Sorry, Jose--you're still a princess in need of saving...but who can save us now?
[Out of the darkest inning in the game came the bellow of]
Schrieber: What was that?
Slowey: You're in trouble now
Mijares: There's no escaping
Nathan: BERGGGERWAGGAWAGGA-AAAAYYYYYY!!! [Subtitle: Now, that's a Pirate Name]
Schrieber: Wow...you are intimidating, but why are you in black and white, whilst we're in color?
Nathan: ARGGERWAJJASTARRRRRRGLE!! [Subtitle: Do not waste time questioning my artistry, prepare to suffer my wrath!!]
[The Dread Pirate Joe Nathan proceeded to fire pitches at blazing speeds until only one member of the Indians remains, and with two quick strikes, the Dread Pirate Joe Nathan is poised for the death blow]
Nathan: BLARGH!! 
Schrieber: Ball!
Mijares and Slowey: C'mon man, that was a strike!!
Nathan: BLARGH!!
Schrieber: Ball TWO!!!
Mijares and Slowey: You jerk face! Come on Nathan make him pay!!
[Nathan winds, fires, and slams a fastball off of Schrieber's head so hard that it drifts out to Delmon Young in left field where it is caught for the third out. Nathan frees Princess Mijares and Kevin "Killthrow" Slowey, and as he walks past Schrieber's prone body murmers]
Nathan: BLARGHARAGHBERK! [Subtitle: "Dread Pirate Nathan--PUNK!"]

Lesson of the night: Never doubt our bizarrely imagined Twins characters, whether they be intimidating superheroes, pretty pretty princesses or Dread Pirates of Doom.

1 comment:

  1. This is a tale for the ages. I'll probably read it to my grandkids when I put them to bed and they will grow up dreaming of being just like Killthrow and the Dread Pirate (or Princess Mijares if any of them happen to be transvestites)