Know Thine Enemy '09: The Chicago Cubs

First this: I would not mind if the entire western coast of the United States slipped into the Pacific Ocean...except San Francisco...I have friends there...other than that, all the west coast, particularly their baseball teams who manage to eke out stinktastic wins over us by single runs when we DESERVE TO WIN THE FLUNKING GAME!!!!

Sorry...Cranky Pants returned, deep breath, think about Supraction and all its many uses...back to normal.

Now lets turn our attention to this weekend's enemy...I mean...opponent: The Chicago Cubs.

REASONS WE SHOULD ROLL OVER CHICAGO LIKE A BOULDER UNLEASHED FROM AN ANCIENT TOMB CHASING DOWN A GUY IN A FEDORA:

1. Smug, Smug, Smug: One thing was made profoundly clear to me by every Chicagoan I ever meet. White Sox fans are hard core. Cubs fans are too busy practicing feng shui to be hard core. Perhaps this story tells it best--when the White Sox win a division title they, city politicians, almost all of whom are Sox fans, blow air raid sirens to celebrate. When the Cubs won their division last year they asked why the air raid sirens weren't blown. Fire Marshall said: "We wouldn't want you Cubs fans spilling yer CHAR-DO-NAY!!!!!" *23 Loathing Points*
2. Whine, Whine, Whine: Speaking of Chardonay, it is a proven fact that the Chicago Cubs are enduring the worst championship drought in baseball history. How can you establish that fact? See anyone wearing Cubs regalia ever, and engage them in conversation for more than 3 seconds. You will almost assuredly hear them complain about this being the 101st season since they won their last championship. The one thing Cubs do better than gloat about success, is whine about failure. *46 Loathing points*
3. They had their chance: As students of baseball history both Stinky and I love the book Crazy '08, about the last Cubs championship. However, we didn't exactly love the Cubs. They were smug in the face of adversity and whined their way into playoffs--hey, somethings don't change--they also managed to best our beloved Honus Wagner. It may be over a century late, but for Honus let there be vengeance!! *18 Loathing Points*
4. The one true manager: Cubs Manager Lou Pinella has a reputation for being the craziest, crankiest, angriest manager ever. Ahem...your rebuttal Mr. Gardenhire? *5 Loathing Points*

REASONS WE SHOULD ROLL OVER CHICAGO LIKE FILM CRITICS ROLLED OVER THE MOST RECENT INDIANA JONES FILM--WITH AN AIR OF REGRET

1. Wrigley: Say what you will about Cubs fans, they know how to have a good time. Wrigley is party central, and it also happens to be a beautiful place. It's like a palace you can hold a kegger in. There's singing, there's dancing, there's polka--I'm serious--there's polka, it's incredible to see and experience. *-45 Loathing Points*
2. Maybe it will stop: If we all just let the Cubs win one, maybe they'll shut up about having not won for so long. Maybe they'll just become another team and we can all move on without having to hear paeans about their pain 29 times a season...then again, maybe they'll still be as insufferable as Red Sox fans. *-19 Loathing Points*
3. Dorkier...if that's possible: You know the "We're Gonna Win Twins!" song? Which will occasionally sing a little bit if we're in the right mood--and a little drunk? The Cubs have a song like that too--only everyone sings it, drunk or not, win or not, all three verses. That is how dorky the Cubs are...I'm a dork, don't get me wrong, but three verses of a cheesy 70s song dead sober? That's special. *-8 Loathing Points*

Final Loathe-o-Meter Rating: 20 Loathing Points

(-12 Loathing Points from last year)

Punishment: One more incomprehensible Billy Corgan song.