So apparently April was part of Spring, and May is part of Fall, and I'm sitting here humming "rain rain go away" before tonight's game. What is behind this sudden shift in our weatherly fortunes? Perhaps JJ Hardy Shortstop/Detective can find out in this latest edition of the JJ Hardy MYSTERIES!!
While recovering from his wrist injury, JJ Hardy, shortstop/detective ,did what he always does
in his spare time: he checked his surroundings to make sure there were no diamond smugglers in the Twin Cities. But being new to town, he wanted to have a friend join him.
"C'mon guys!" said JJ in his most eager-beaver voice, "there's always a diamond smuggler, or an art thief or an escaped criminal posing as a wealthy dowager! You just have to look for them!"
"I don't know, JJ" said Joe Mauer "wouldn't it be more fun to just free-style in my massive mansion?"
"Yeah, I mean why fight crime when you can just make it...disappear!!!" shouted Michael Cuddyer as he vanished little Wilson Ramos' bats.
Then Jesse "Ze Ubermensch" Crain suggested that, "better yet, we could ponder the the intense complexity of nature's synchronous relationship with one's soul and whether this confirms the intervention of the divine in the daily world or purely the power of biological forces elemental in the Darwinian undertones of evolution!" Then crickets chirped and everyone on the team ran away from Jesse Crain.
JJ's feet took him to the banks of the mighty Mississip, as he patrolled the caves searching for smugglers and other villains, but all he could see were stalactites, stalagmites and the city's one remaining Timberwolves fan. "Maybe, Milwaukee's the only smuggler saturated city in America." BUT JUST THEN he heard a monstrous laugh reverberating down the banks of the river. With each syllable of the "MWAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA!!!" the goosebumps on JJ's arms multiplied, and he knew from the "Big Book of Mystery Words" that this was what his idols would call "a clue"
Tip toeing towards the sinister cackle he peeked inside a cave and was overwhelmed with the fetid stank of unwashed sox. "Whoever is inside here, sure doesn't like laundry! What a silly billy!" Just then he turned the corner and saw a mad man with long white hair pulling levers and spinning dials and cackling, my goodness, the cackling.
"Purple Pig Great Food good choice Todd Stein Jajajajajajajja!" said the madman. And JJ knew immediately that this man had lost all contact with reality, but with each twist of the knob and each pull of the lever rain and storms persisted outside. Then JJ did what he always did in situations like this, he stated the obvious to guide the plot.
"He's controlling the weather! I must stop him!" and so JJ used the only thing guaranteed to overwhelm any critically deranged pseudo wizardish being: cable television. As it's ethereal glow burned in the dark smelly underbelly of the Dirty Sox cave, the wild man turned and began to ramble "I love bull fight, oh my god too much, I watching one in this moment. Watch that movie matador you see big nuts man. Very very awesome thanks comcast!"
With the madman distracted, JJ fiddled with the machinery until the rain and snow abated and it was safe to play baseball again. As he left the cave he looked back at the madman in front of the telvision and quipped "Talk about an idiot box..."
But little did JJ know that though the tv was on, the madman's brain was still hard at work, imagining more diabolical schemes. If he appears again, to bend the weather to his will, to smuggle diamonds or to pose as a wealthy dowager, he will be met by the ingenuity and passion of JJ HARDY Shortstop/Detective!!