Want to know why I'm so excited to come back to Minnesota?
1--There are people I love there
2--There is a pretty new ballpark I've not yet seen
3--Living in the black hole of Northwest Ohio has deprived me of watching the last 8 games in a row on MLB.tv, driving me closer and closer to the brink of insanity. Add to this the fact that after tearing my hair out over an extremely tense episode of LOST I came home to find that a thin lead had shrunk and shrunk until at the very moment I turn on Jon Gordon and Danny Gladden Brennan Boesch hit the ball very very far. And, being the good Minnesota Twins fan I am, I began to despair.
But no one told a particular short stop/mystery enthusiast, one JJ Hardy--BASEBALL BOY DETECTIVE! In the latest installment of his popular series: "JJ Hardy and the Mystery of the Tiggers"--The climactic excerpt is quoted here
...With a crash, the peace of the deep dark night in Targetville was shattered and JJ Hardy, baseball boy detective, knew that he would have to act fast to solve this mystery.
"Hmmm," said JJ, "I better act fast in order to solve this mystery! I'd hate it if Dr. Cakeburn's Red Velvet Laboratory were ruined by these messy messy Tiggers. After all, like Gardy always says, a clean Laboratory is a SAFE laboratory!!"
Just then, Detroit catcher Alex Avila kaboing-ga-boinged his way to second base with a double while singing the Tiger theme song. which gave JJ an idea.
"HEY! I have an idea!" said JJ. "Tiggers are bouncy, trouncy, pouncy, flouncy and quite a bit of fun, but the most wonderful thing about tiggers, is that they're the only ones! So if I behave like a Tigger...they won't know what's happening!! I may need to get messy, I hope Gardy forgives me."
And so when Ramon Santiago hit a grounder loaded with vim and with vigor, JJ flung himself after the ball, and, doing his best Tigger impression bounced up to surprise Alex Avila and catch him off guard near third base causing Little Nicky Punto to yell: "YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY TIGGERS ARE FUN!!!"
Nick may have been right, but JJ still had work to do, to solve the mystery of the Tiggers he'd have to keep thinking like a Tigger until the game was over. And so when he came to bat he hit a jumpy bumpy ball to left center field and ran his clumpy thumpy way to third base. And poised on top of third base he sang out the magical words sure to solve the mystery.
"Boy this sure has been fun fun fun fun and so forth, but the most wonderful thing about Tiggers is I'M the only one...YES I'm the only ONE!!!!"
It's not a good idea, dear child, to ever intentionally exacerbate another person, but for the sake of Targetville, for the safety of Dr. Cakeburn's Baking Laboratory and for Twins fans everywhere it was a good thing that JJ irritated the Tiger's pitcher. Because that led to the pitcher, through big salty tears to cry out, "nu-uh!!!!" and throw a slider whose top was made out of rubber and whose bottom was made out of springs to go bouncy flouncy past the catcher and allow JJ and all the Twins to snatch victory from the Jaws of defeat and solve the mystery of the Tiggers.
P.s. Before the game tonight came news that Ernie Harwell, former Tiger's announcer had passed away. The last in a line of legendary announcers, his poetry unites all fans, not just those who agree with him. He will be missed