Why We're Losing

You know what, I do not like the whole losing thing, particularly when it happens whilst we should be winning. Worse still, I cannot explain why we lost to one of the worst teams in baseball, and now we have to come home to face the flannel-wearing, bongo-patting, disgruntled-poets of the Northwest. Why, why, why?

Fortunately, I'm not the only one asking that question, as our intrepid reporter/pet Merlin discovered in Baltimore.

[After sneaking into the Visiting Locker Room, Merlin's tape recorder captures the following conversation already in progress]

Gardy:--and might I add !^!@#$^^!@#$!!!!

[Silence]

Gardy: C'mon guys...what's the deal?

[Silence]

Morneau: Uh...skip?

Gardy: Yes?

Morneau: Have you ever felt...unloved.

[Silence]

Gardy: Well...no....you see, I'm totally awesome.

Morneau: Well, yeah, obviously but--

Gardy: And you guys are awesome, so what's the problem?

Cuddyer: The fans in Minnesota don't think so...

Gardy: What?

Perkins: The fans in Minnesota can't stop talking about Brett Favre

Blackburn: They don't care about my pitching problems, so why should I fix them?

Crede: They don't care about my hitting problems, so why should I fix them?

Breslow: The only thing they care about is whether or not a 39 year old man can throw a football while wearing purple and gold laundry.

Gomez: I wanna be LOOOOOOOOOOVVVVVVVEEEEEDDDDDD!!!!!

[Gomez sobs loudly, and buries his head into Fracisco Lirano's chest, receiving comforting pats from the starter while Denard, R.A. Dickey, Luis Ayala and Brian Buscher sniffle and have their lips quiver ever so slightly.]

Gardy: Hey, look guys. I know that it seems like no body cares about you, so there's no point in winning, if there's no one who cares about you. But I'm sure, that somewhere there's a group of people who don't give a flying fish fart about Fah-vray

Delmon: Fervor

Redmond: Faa-ver

Gardy: Whatever, somewhere there's someone concocting a silly blog or something about us all, because, to some people, we are so important that they would ignore civilized conversation with the rest of the entire state, just to have us in our life.

Gomez: For [Sob] True?

Gardy: For true.

Gomez: DOGGIE!!!!! [Chases Merlin from clubhouse, back to St. Paul, and hopefully back to respectable baseball playing]

And now apparently Farve, Faver, Favre--whatever, is going to stay retired--so it's back to the Twins, and all their glory (now, they just need to have some glory).

Sad, yet sensible

ITEM: Alexi Casilla has been sent down to Rochester and replaced by Matt Tolbert.

We here at Peanuts from Heaven Incorporated like Alexi Casilla, we admire his ability to turn the double play, and his penchant for clutch hitting. However, errors we do not like...lack of hustle we do not like...and while we like many things about Alexi, we have never really managed to think of a quality photoshop identity for him. 

So, Alexi, take this as your opportunity to go down to Rochester, remember how to hustle, develop a wacky persona, and we'll see you back here with open arms, and a well warmed up photoshop.

And welcome back Matt Tolbert, now that you are playing for us again--please remember that we are apparently obligated to play games during monsoons. (Do you ever see the guy on the right on the field for us? Come on Major League Baseball--Just because we always lose to Seattle does not make us Sub-Mariners. [pause for laughter--realize that no one will laugh at that--cry in shame])

Up and Down

And just as hope was returning to the land, a tough kid from the wrong side of the tracks turned up, clubbed three hits, made poor Dr. Cakeburn cry and ruined our trip to Detroit. (Then again, it is Detroit--just going there ruins your trip (badum-ching!))

You Miguel Cabrera are a poopy-face, a big, fat, home-run-hitting, poopy-face!!

I hope there are no poopy-faces in Baltimore.

Saving the Day. Like you do.

It was a lovely Monday, only partly-cloudy and 72 degrees Farenheit. Sir Francisco and Sir Cuddy, Master of Supraction, rode through the crsip spring breeze, chatting as they went.

CUDDY: So... why are we riding again?
SISCO: I hear there is a lovely princess trapped in a tower. I mean to rescue her and make her my wife! The Brave Knight sir Denard Span told me she is there.
CUDDY: And ....why so I have to come with you again?
SISCO: I need your help!!! Without your powers of supraction I will never succeed.
CUDDY: OK man but you totally owe me a beer.

[They ride for several hours]

[Several hours later. They arrive at the tower]

SISCO: Hello fair princess! I have come to rescue you!!
[The princess sticks her head out the window but it isn't actually a princess. It's just Jose Mijares]
MIJARES: Oh ... sorry guys... I think I may have misled you.
SISCO: Yeah just a bit.
CUDDY: Haha oh man... this is too awesome.
MIJARES: But wait! Don't go! There are people here who need your help! My friends are being eaten by viscious Tigers, and only you can save them from their dreadful fate. Please, go to them.

And so they did, and together Sir Francisco and Sir Cuddy saved the Minnesota Twins from the viscious Tigers and hope was restored to the land.

I need lunch.

No-NO!!!

You know everything I said yesterday--it's all still true, but it's a little harder to identify now.

I mean, we really should have swept the Royals--except for an error on Alexi and poor hitting by the piranahas after Buscher's 10th inning double yesterday, we would have...and then today...well...I don't quite know how to explain what happened today.

Except perhaps, for this conversation after the 6th inning

Delmon Young: HOT DAMN Cuddy!! This is what it's all about!!

Michael Cuddyer: I know what you mean Del. We're supracting the crap out of them

Delmon: You're hitting.

Michael: You're fielding.

Delmon: They have no idea what the hell is going on!!

[In Unison]: IT'S BEAUTIFUL!!!!

Scotty Baker: Hey guys, what's up?

[In Unison]: Uh....nothing....nothing...

Scotty: C'mon you guys, are you supracting people?

[In Unison]: Uh...maybe...kinda...ya know...

Scotty: That's so cool guys!! Can I supract them now?

Delmon: Uh....

Michael: That's not a real good idea Scotty.

Scotty: No...listen. I'm no-hitting them right?

Delmon: Uh-yeah...that's real good supraction.

Scotty: Pssh--that's not supraction, I'll tell you what would be supractalicious--

Michael: Actually, Delmon's right. A no-hitter is really supractalicious.

Scotty: Guys, wait, here's what I'll do--I've no-hit them for six innings, so now, I'll give up a hit, just to give them a false sense of confidence

Delmon: Uh--I guess...

Scotty: Then I'll give up another!!

Michael: Uh--

Scotty: Then I'll give up a three-run home-run!!!

[In Unison]: Yeah, that's actually not--

Scotty: Waitwaitwaitwait!! Then I'll give up two more hits, and tell Luis Ayala to give up a triple so that we fall behind!!!

[In Unison]: Scotty, Supraction is used to win--

Scotty: THEN! I'll bewitch the Master Librarian to give up three MORE runs!!!

[Silence]

Scotty: That will suprise and distract everyone in Twins Territory!! Think of it guys!!! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!

[Silence]

Scotty: Let's go guys!!! Woohoo--Supraction!!!!!!!!!

Michael: Pitchers should not be allowed to supract anyone.

Delmon: This isn't supraction...this is distrise...

Remember pitchers...supraction is not a toy.

We actually DO like Baseball this much

Last night: at the dome

This afternoon: at the multiplex

Tonight: at home

We have a friend, a fine young man, who once said: "dude, nobody likes baseball that much." As I have said, he's a great guy...but the truth of the matter is, we actually do.

Last night we encountered a gaggle of guys who did not. A quartet of High School boys, sitting in surprisingly good seats, whose most insightful commentary of the evening was something along the lines of: "MORNEAU---YOU'RE A BEAST!!!!!!" (admittedly, the man is huge). By and large they focused on how much they hated the Royals, but about the best the could come up with there was: "Number 11--YOU SUCK!!!" (Seriously guys, seriously? If you're going to jeer--come up with something a little more insightful--such as: "Hey, Ponson, you're are disgrace to the royal knights of the Netherlands--Queen Beatrix must be crying over your weight!!")

Today, fortunately, we bold bloggers attended the film Sugar, wherein fans who mindlessly bellow "you suck"  had their role listed in the final credits as: "Jackass". But beyond absolving us from being "Jackass" fans--we were also challenged by the filmmakers to question whether or not baseball genuinely helps people, or if it serves as merely a distraction.

We decided that, for us, and hopefully for you, it is a beautiful, uplifting, delightful experience. We are excited, amused and entertained by the Twins, yes. We also find hope in their resiliency, strength in their dedication, and humor in their silliness.

Even tonight, as we struggle to do away with the Royals, there's joy to be had in Cuddyer supracting the Kansas Citizens by missing one catch, only to homer the next inning. There's a great challenge to be met in fighting the diabolically chocolate Coco Crisp. There's humility to be felt when Alexi bobbles a routine grounder and we fall behind again. And both tonight and last night, there was great pride to be felt in the return to prominence of our "Great Helmsman and Glorious Leader," Joe Mauer. 

We love it, all of it, the good, the bad, the down right ugly (looking in your direction--Sidney Ponson). There is nothing about any part of this game that "sucks". There is never a need to be a jackass. It entertains, it amuses, it distracts yes, but it also elevates, amazes and surprises.  IT is baseball, and however you feel about it--we actually DO like baseball this much.

Know Thine Enemy '09: The Kansas City Royals

(A short notice--because I know you all care--rather than running out of enemies before the all-star break, "Know Thine Enemy" will denounce our foes before they play their first series at the Metrodome--rather than before our first series of the season)

That brings us to this weekend's opponent: The Kansas City Royals

Reasons to cook the Royals' goose in a delicious bayou fricassee

1. Last Season: We would have been in the playoffs last year, we would have had the chance to derail the Rays championship run (and given this week's series, we totally could have done it), all we needed was for the Royals to lose...and they just wouldn't do it. That is what we call being a big fat jerkface. There is only one thing to do with big fat jerkfaces--DESTROY THEM! *40 Loathing Points*
2. Hollywood: There is currently a film about a prestigious team called the Kansas City Knights (Knights/Royals--Get it?). Which begs the question--why must you sell out Kansas City? Why? *18 Loathing Points*
3. Sidney Ponson--A few years ago we brought on Sidney Ponson to pitch, and this was a cause of much consternation for Stinky and I--I mean, how do you make fun of a Dutch knight, particularly such a portly one? Sir Sidney Eats-a-ton? Sidney Fatso-n? It's bad enough he was a bad pitcher, and a fat one, but to be a bad, fat pitcher without an easily mockable name--that's just wrong. *47 Loathing Points*

Reasons to cook the Royals goose into laughable Goose Balls

1. Buck O'Neil--After watching Ken Burn's Baseball Stinky can now attest to the utter greatness, the genius, the ridiculous charm of John Jordan Buck O'Neil. This is the man who smiled through everything, even being turned aside by the hall of fame, and remained, 'till his dying day--A fan of the Kansas City Royals. That's got to count for a little mojo. *-70 Loathing Points*
2. Their turn--Since 2006, each AL Central team has gone to the playoffs, the White Sox, Indians, Tigers and us...each team except for the Royals. We are not a dictatorship, we are all for fair play and shared glory, so, unfortunately, it's the Royals turn to represent our division--of course, they can be the wild card and we can be the division champ. *-11 Loathing Points*

Final Loathe-O-Meter Rating: 24 Loathing Points

(+4 Loathing Points from Last Year)

Punishment: A super turbo swirly