A Brief Fairy Tale

Once upon a time there was a kingdom called the Land of Cleve. This kingdom was ruled by a King known as The Bron. The king had a loyal tribe led by Captain Cheeseburger and Sir Cliffly as well as a horde of Dogs known as the "Browns" even though they were mostly Orange.

Anyway, the Land of Cleve felt pretty good about itself and The Bron was kind hearted and merciful. But slowly, the land began to fall on hard times. First the dogs were found to be toothless, then the Captain was bitten by a Yankpire and Sir Cliffly became a wandering gypsy. Still The Bron was there and the people of the Land of Cleve loved him deeply.

Then one day, some other Kings called up The Bron and said: "hey you wanna come live in our kingdom instead", and The Bron said: "yes. Yes I do." So he gave up the throne of the Land of Cleve and left never to return.

The people of Cleve were heartbroken and furious and so they sent forth their tribe to pillage all the neighboring kingdoms, beginning with The Troit and moving on to the Territory known as Twinnesota.

Baffled as to why they were being attacked the Twinnesotans lost many times to the tribe of Cleve and then sent forth Sir Francisco to inquire: "Umm...why are you guys attacking us?"

Between sobs the armies of Cleve announced: "Shut up! You don't know our pain! YOU MUST DIE!"

"Ummm...is this about your King just running away from your kingdom"

"NO!" they shouted Sir Francisco stared with caring eyes and suddenly the Tribe of Cleve sniffled and then...began to bawl "YEEEEESSSSSS!!!! Why. Did. He. Leave. US?!?!?!? Are we not cool? We'll be cool! We'll all drive Hummers or Hybrids or Hippos or whatever is in right now....just please...tell our king to come home!!"

The tribe flung themselves in to Sir Francisco's arms and as he held them he explained, "listen closely child. Kings are despotic rulers...having just one will lead to heartbreak. Believe me, the Territory of Twinnesota used to have King Randy, and then King Kevin, and then King Johan, but they all left eventually...sure we could crown a King Joe or a King Justin...but that could lead to heart break too...so instead we're all equals...you should try it...equality is fun!"

"Can we be equals?" the Tribe sniffed.

"Sure we can...but first why don't you go back and destroy The Troit and the Kingdom of the Pale Hosers some more, that'll make you feel better."

The Tribe dried it's eyes and said " 'Kay." And thus all was made well.

Sorry for your pain Land of Cleve...it gets better...trust us.


  1. i love every. single. thing. about this story. and i'm completely jealous that i don't have the creativity to write something as awesome. well done to you peanuts gang!

  2. I find it fascinating that Sir Francisco is capable of consoling the Tribe while holding them hostage. (Stockholm Syndrome?)

    All hail!
    Sir Francisco and the Knights of the Round Rotation!
    Go forth, Sir Carl, and pummel the Earls of Oriole!

  3. And so I read this years after it was authored, but still am impressed and moved. I happily celebrate not just your dysfunction, but your willingness to share it.
    Are you a historian?
    You should be.