Gearing up for the second half

First thing's first, congrats to the NL. You won, you were the underdog and we always love the underdog. Good on ya!

Now, before the second half of the season begins I wanted to take time to pay homage to two of my other passions in life--and how they relate to baseball: beautiful beautiful baseball.

Let's start with soccer/futbol/calico/that-thing-that-American's-pay-attention-to-every-four-years. More and more, futbol is becoming a game that we not merely humor, but tolerate, meaning that when we all turn 60 we'll actually watch matches with something approaching appreciation! To hasten that golden day/decline of our society let's please remember that while futbol is about artistry, creativity and passion it's also about finding some way to overcome grievous bodily harm in approximately 9 seconds.

As many have noted with agitation, in futbol, players tend to fall to earth like defunct Soviet satellites at the slightest hint of a nudge. After writhing about in utter agony for about 1 minute the player leaps to their feet and return to acts of athleticism unimaginable to 98% of the human species. In the rare case that such writhing goes longer than 1 minute, a magic spray is produced which restores the player to complete health and merriment.

Some people think this makes futbol frustrating--deceitful even. But I think it's just using medical technologies common in every other country of the world to their own benefit. Ergo, rather than sending Twins players on rehab assignments or asking them to see doctors we suggest that the whole team just roll around on the outfield grass for 10 minutes. Meanwhile we can use the magic spray on Justin's head, our pitcher's egos and all of JJ Hardy's body.

Speaking of JJ--apparently a lot of our readers really like JJ. Of course, they don't exactly like him in a way that is family friendly, so we won't endeavor to help their quest. But for those of you who have stumbled onto us in other ways, we'd like to help you in your quest for knowledge. So using Google analytics I've identified some of the most popular searches and will hereby try to answer them:

1) Orlando Hudson Lifetime Movie Network

--You know, we had not thought of this before but we definitely convinced that O-Dog can be Kevin Slowey's very talkative wing man in Slo-Slo's search for true love. As a result, in the Lifetime Movie about falling in love with Slo-dog (starring Emile deRavin as the lucky lady, and a young Alan Ruck as Slowey) Orlando will star as himself, write the script and serve as Best Boy for the production

2) Bagel Cheddarwurst Orlando

-- This one makes me sad in my soul (this is Kristina). If you have never heard of Bagel Cheddarwurst... your life is probably all the more awesome for never having smelled its synthetic cheesy death-odor or tasted its plasticky vomit-inducing slime. Bagel Cheddarwurst was a regular fixture in my grade school cafeteria, and it never failed to turn an otherwise fine day into the worst day EVER. So if Bagel Cheddarwurst has never crossed your path, your life is probably awesome, full of sunshiny rainbows and unicorns, whereas my encounters with this foul substance have left me emotionally stunted and unable to accept love into my heart. Clearly, someone is out to sabotage Orlando with the worst culinary experience ever... so buddy, run like hell. Whatever inspired this search it can't be good.

3) Grandpappy dressed as a teddy bear

--Seriously? If this really matters to you you might want to just ask your grandfather...or see a counsellor.

4) Ron Gardenhire Cherry Concentrate

-- When Ron Gardenhire concentrates on cherries, the fruit explodes into delicious cherry flavored ambrosia. However, resist the temptation to drink such a concoction as doing so will cause you to see the world like a big game of PAC-MAN.

5) What are the rope necklaces that Nick Swisher wears called?

--EVIL