Remember when you were a kid and you used to write Santa about all the things you wanted? This post is a little like that: only instead of writing to Santa I'm writing to his cousin in Twin's Territory "Gardy Clause" the gnome, who is like Santa--only better because he answers requests all summer long rather than on one night in the middle of winter AND because he entertains us all with tirades against umpires.
Dear Gardy Clause,
I've been a very good fan this season. I have done my best to keep up with this blog and even watched a game on my computer in India AND I racked up a hefty cell phone bill in Africa getting play by play from my parents.
Because I've been such a good fan, I want to ask you for something a couple things early this year:
1st: Could you maybe have one of these games against the White Sox end before 10:30--it means I stay up until 11:30 out east and then get up at 6 for work...I love the Twins but I also love sleep.
2nd: As nice as all the extra media coverage about the Twins is (ESPN suddenly remembered that we exist!) it does come with the side effect that Yankees fans snootily pronounce our imminent demise come October. Please help Yankees fans learn the meaning of humility...or at least the right way to spell it.
3rd: Like I said, I've been a good fan, I have tried not to say anything mean or bad about anybody...but John Rauch and Matt Capps give me heart palpitations. I have many funny names that I could tease them with (well...okay Johnny the Grauch is funny...Matt Capps is just an allusion to his weight) but I'm trying not to because calling people names is wrong. Then again, so is blowing saves. Please ask them not to blow any more saves and I will in turn avoid name calling.
Those are the things I want right now, but I hereby reserve the right to change requests at a later date. (Especially if these requests are answered and rendered moot)* If I can't have these things, then please send me a firetruck...or Ken Burn's Baseball on DVD.
*Note: I actually did include that kind of legalistic language in my letters to Santa...why? Because I'm awesome, obviously.