An explanation before we begin--When I was a kid (read: 5-8 years old) we started Monday morning classes with construction paper, and crayons and a retelling of our weekend adventures. On the front of the paper we had a generic scene, but inside we had details.
This will be our new method of reporting events of the weekends.
Now, to begin with, it was a good weekend, two wins and only one loss, improving our road record, pulling within two of the Tigers. However, it is highly unfortunate that a near perfect weekend was undone by two bad pitches, one from the Master Librarian himself and one from the oft-exasperating Brian "You Make me Feel Like" Duensing. What's worse, Ian Kinsler looks a little like Bozo the Clown. We do not approve of this.
Perhaps Kinsler's act of heroism was born of the struggle betwixt Jason "Le Smirk" Kubel, and Carlos "Mojo Gogo" Gomez.
We all know of Jason Kubel's Public Service Campaign: Running is Stupid. And at the start of the weekend he brought said campaign to Texas with a fury. And for the next several days Kubel's comrades in muscly arms attempted to further his cause with long, long, long, (but not quite long enough fly balls)
Meanwhile Carlos Gomez continued to quietly subvert this philosophy with his stated dogma of "Running is So Fun that I like Running and think We Should All Run More!!...RUNNNING!!"
As is the case with most contrarian ideologies, a showdown was in the offing, and sure enough, Sunday night was the night, and the battle was waged over the soul of our offense--and the winner of the battle turned into the loser, very quickly.
KUBEL: So, I just says to the guy, I says: "Yo--Running is Stupid"
MORNEAU: YEAH! YEAH!!
MAUER: YEAH! YEAH! YEAH!!
CUDDY: That reminds me I need to buy their new album...and also, YEAH!
PUNTO: You guys make a great point, I mean I've been running for a year, and it hasn't helped my average any.
MORNEAU: You should try to hit for power, little Nicky P. After all...
ALL: [In unison] RUNNING IS STUPID! [High-Fives]
GOMEZ: NO! NO!! It's not true!!!!
KUBEL: Yeah, it is.
GOMEZ: No, it is not! Dios mio--am I the only one who remembers how much fun running is. How great it is to feel the wind in your hair, the ground churning beneath your feet. Am I the only who remembers the joy of piranha baseball? Nick?
PUNTO: Huh? I'm sorry, I'm trying to remember the last time I hit a homerun. It might have been back when Mike Redmond still had teeth...
SPAN: Huh? I'm sorry, I was busy offering great deals on aluminum siding...
CASILLA: Huh? I'm sorry, I'm too busy studying multicellular gametophytes to pay attention to baseball anymore....
GOMEZ: Why won't anyone listen to me?!?
MAUER: Look, Gogo, now that we can hit homeruns, people are cheering for us to hit homeruns. They happen real fast and can score a bunch of runs at once. They even made me popular across the country--heck--I got to compete in a home run hitting contest
MORNEAU: I did that too.
MAUER: Yeah, but they said my name right. [A single tear rolls down Morneau's cheek] I love hitting for power, I want to do it all the time!
GOMEZ: But you haven't had a hit since the beginning of our first game here!!!
GOMEZ: So we should play our kind of baseball! Otherwise, we will live by the homerun and die by the homerun--and maybe clowns....they are scary.
KUBEL: Let's let the team decide: Who likes getting base hits and running really really hard [Gomez and Span raise their hands, Punto kinda sorta half raises his]? Who likes hitting home runs and trotting around the bases to tumultuous applause [Everyone else raises their hand, including Punto who sheepishly raises his a little more than half-way]? And who likes multicellular gametophytes? [Alexi Casilla raises his hand--he is the only one ever to raise his hand] Sorry, Gogo, We're going to win this game with home runs!! [Cheers]
GOMEZ: But what if we lose by homeruns?!?
KUBEL: Only a bozo would dare try to beat us by a homerun!! [Laughter]
[Gomez says nothing, despite the Twins sudden dry spell of offense as Mauer, Morneau and Company keep swinging for the fences. He simply looks at Ian Kinsler in the Rangers dugout, as he rocks back and forth, back and forth, in a most menacing fashion]
And that was our weekend.