Once upon a time there was a pretty pretty princess named: Jose Mijares.

Jose Mijares was very pretty, particularly when he threw his slider. He made all the enemy forces from all the neighboring lands of Twins Territory, shout and scream and pull their hair out and cry big heavy tears that citizens of Twins Territory used to irrigate their drought riddled fields.

But Pretty Princess Mijares was not happy, for even though he threw all the nastiest sliders and made all the enemy forces (particularly the left handed ones) very unhappy, there was one big problem.

"The guards of our kingdom," she cried, "they never do their job! The Glenneth's and Scottford's and Guard Ducks of this world are always on a break playing cards, or smoking, or listening to Ze Ubermensch's philosophies. I would do my job...but as long as we're fighting from behind I cannot do my job well!!"

"Also, I'm a man, and it's degrading that these two bloggers who claim to be anthropomorphic peanuts continue to cast me as a Princess! FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!! GENDER IDENTITY ISSUES ARE SERIOUS AND NOT FODDER FOR COMEDY!!!"

But...since this is a satirical site intended to cause no offense to anyone, he continued to be a princess.

Suddenly today--just for the heck of it--everyone decided to do their jobs, just as the rampaging horde of Walker Texas Rangers came in to Twins Territory--a horde of men, whom, legend tells us, can kill two stones with one bird.

But no Walker Texas Ranger, no matter how many fists are concealed beneath their goatees, could withstand the awesome power of Pretty Princess Mijares. And though the walls of Twins Territory were eternally in danger of collapse and destruction, our favoritest pretty pretty princess endured, triumphed and washed away the Texas Rangers with slider after slider after slider for 2 and 2/3rds of an inning.

Then he and the Dread Pirate Joe Nathan skipped through the lollipop forest chanting "Tra-la-la-la-la" all the while.

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