Know Thine Enemy '09: The Chicago White Sox

Shocking--I know, but I have some how NOT written an enemies post about the Chicago White Sox this year, and given the tumultuous pleas from you loyal readers I must needs write this, even if we only have two more games at the dome against the pale hosers of the Windy City.

Reasons we should bust a cap in Chicago's collective asses as our breath rises through the cold Minnesota winter and the warm smokey steel of our glocks burns through our mittens
  1. It's what we do: There are only a few things that seem to happen every year. Gardy always goes ballistic in Kansas City. We can never do anything in New York City. Joe Mauer's side burns offer an effective source of warmth to needy Twins Cities families. AND The White Sox cannot win when they come to the dome (of course, we can rarely win when we go to Chicago--but I digress). We drive them utterly insane, we get all the breaks and they are left shaking their whiney little heads in dismay. Hooray. *33 Loathing Points*
  2. Last year: As awesome as it is to win against the White Sox here, it was painful to not win against them in last year's one game playoff. It was even more painful to see them get swept by the Rays in the first round...I mean, c'mon! We could have done that!! It was a close game that we should have won and might have won if we'd played in Minnesota, it all felt vaguely unfair, and so, when they suffered defeat it was bitter-sweet--like baker's chocolate--only not when it's baked. *42 Loathing Points*
  3. It's what we need to do: We've only got so many games left, and while both Stinky and I are quite sure that any trip to the post season would be short-lived, it would be nice to stick it in the faces of all those big market, big budget teams (I'm looking in your directions South Siders/MoTowners.) So it's victories we need, and what better victories to get than victories over our rival White Sox. *29 Loathing Points*
  4. It'll make Chris Clark vaguely upset: If there is one White Sox fan whose existence we are actually dependent upon it is Christophe Clark. (I did not misspell that, his name is Cristophe--it's Swiss...punk.) He studied with us, laughs with us, jokes with us, has a link on his browser that titles this very site as his "favorite blog". He is, in short, our homie. So he ought to feel pain. *1 Loathing Point*
Reasons we should polite introduce a cap into the buttockal regions of the White Sox through genial conversation and perhaps some sort of tea party.
  1. It's not nice to be mean to your friends: fine, Fine, FINE, Christophe! We won't make you feel (too much) pain *-1 Loathing Point*
  2. Ozzie: Mr. Guillen is our biggest fan, and our greatest rival. He loves the Twins, thinks we play baseball the right way, calls his players losers and wishes he could have more players like the Twins have. He's also in the middle of managing a collapsing team to a less than cool finish--which means his job may be in jeopardy, which means he might be available to be hired in the off-season, which means, perhaps, the greatest buddy sitcom of ALL TIME!!!!! We shall call it "Ozzie and the Gnome" and it will be the compelling story of two rival baseball managers, trying to coexist in THE SAME DUGOUT!!! Tune in for the laughs, the cheers, the tears, the obscenity laced tirades as Ozzie and the Gnome strike out on an adventure as big as Major League Baseball, and as Epic as your imagination! OZZIE AND THE GNOME: Coming this fall to FOX!!.........oh, god, I'm sorry, so, should this make them more or less of an enemy? It's kind of a tossup, but I'll throw it in here with a scant: *-1 Loathing Point*
  3. Mr. President: If you love America, you'll love the president's baseball team.....Okay, not really...but he somehow makes them less offensive than George W. made the Rangers, don't ask me how...*-4 Loathing Points*
Final Loathe-O-Meter Rating: 99 Loathing Points
(+8 From Last Year)
Punishment: Being strapped to a chair and forced to listen to my feeble attempts to write the theme song for "Ozzie and the Gnome"

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