Something wasn't quite right. The Twins had lost 4 straight games. They had been villified and pilloried by the ESPN (at least I assume so, they kept talking about soft hitting centerfielder "Chris" Gomez...so its either us or the Tinnesota Mins of Bizarro World). And though there was something comforting about the grim, gray, greasy Tropicana Field roof...they had been unable to find a solution to Evan "Desperate Housewife In Training" Longoria.
"You know..." said Denard Span, "this sucks."
"This totally sucks," said Alexi Casilla.
"This sucks like....Sucks the Sucky Duck" said Delmon Young.
"Guys my ears!!" exclaimed Opie Everett.
"Hey! Opie!!" shouted Alexi, "You haven't been in to hit in...like...ever!"
"Yeah...well...ever since my buddy the grizzled prospector went to a farm upstate, I thought that you fellas didn't want us old timey mannered kinda guys."
"Sure we like to have you around--"
"Then why do you use such poopy-mouths? I mean...jee-willikers!! I bet your malted milks taste like a hens doodie with them there sour tounges in your heads. If my momma ever heard me talk like that I'd be tasting a bar of Ivory soap for months!"
"Wow...no one would believe you're a professional baseball player."
"Yeah..." said Delmon, "no one...."
The light had started to burn in Delmon's eyes again, and after a quick huddle with the happy garden gnome, a supraction-tastic game plan had come into place.
A walk, a home run from Alexi, a double out of the centerfielder's glove, a walk and then Opie got a chance to bat, and asked Delmon for some last minute advice.
"Golly Gee, Mr. Young," Opie said, "thanks for getting me in the game!!"
"No problem, Opie--"
"Whatever. Do you remember the plan?"
"You don't hit well..."
"So they think you'll bunt..."
"But, suddenly, you'll swing away and stroke a double to left field to give us the lead and help us win the game!!"
"Super-deeeeeeeeeee-duper!! I sure hope it happens the way you planned Mr. Young."
"Of course it will, Op--uh--Adam, it's SUPRACTION (TM)"
"It's not a bad word. It's surprise and distraction!"
"THE DEVILS A DISTRACTION THE DEVILS A DISTRACTION!!"
"But you're a SU-praction..a...SUPER-action!"
And so it happened in the way Delmon Young forsaw (except for the attempted stolen base, that would have worked but at the last second the dove which normally soars out of Delmon's sleeves was eaten by the snake he normally hides in his helmet). Because, look at that face...do you really think that man could ever hit the ball that hard?