However I did get to see the critical part of the game. The Sixth Inning, the one where Justin the Magnificent hit a homerun to right field to put the game out of reach. But what is lost in the highlights this morning is what allowed Justin to do that.
You see, first Little Nicky P had to get on first base. From there he, Joe, and Justin began to taunt A's pitcher Greg Smith thusly:
PUNTO: "Hey! HEY GREGGY!!!"
PUNTO: "I'm a little bit off first base! Oooooooh! OOOOOOOOOOH!"
SMITH: "Like I care..."
MAUER: "What are you? Too scared to try and throw out Nicky?"
MORNEAU: "He's scared of a balk!"
PUNTO: "He's a chicken!"
MORNEAU: "A balkabalkabalka!"
MAUER: "A balkabalkabalka!"
PUNTO: "CHICKACHEEKACHOO! I sound like a chicken, just like YOU!!"
SMITH: "That's not the sound a chicken makes!"
MAUER: "You should know! Clucky McCluckerson!!"
SMITH: "Shut the hell up!!" [And in throwing to first, Smith does indeed commit a balk]
PUNTO: "HAHA! Now I get to go to second!" [And Punto relays the signal to Gardenhire to inform all Twin hitters that Smith can't handle inaccurate Chicken impressions]
MAUER: "Gugalug-gugalug!" [Smith issues a walk]
MORNEAU: "Kookookacha!" [Morneau hits a 3-Run home run]
KUBEL: "Chiba-leeb-ashoo!" [Kubel doubles and Carlos Gomez comes in to run for him]
GOMEZ: "Hackadoodee!" [Gomez steals 3rd]
YOUNG: "Woof." [Smith walks Young, and is removed from the game, the team, the league and placed in a rehabilitation program for pitchers emotionally scarred by inaccurate Chicken impressions]
Perhaps this new strategy will get us into the playoffs. Perhaps the Twins will reconsider their careers and become professional petting zoo guides. Perhaps I've watched too much Arrested Development. Perhaps no amount of Arrested Development is too much. Perhaps hypotheticals suck.
Whatever the truth is, we won. And the only casualty was Greg Smith. Now please join us in a moment of silence for Mr. Smith.