Know Thine Enemy '09: Seattle Mariners

Clearly, my failure to remind the Twins of our enemies led to last night's loss. Unsure whether they were friend or foe, we waffled our way to defeat. You could almost hear Justin thinking: "Should I hit this grand slam or not? Why didn't Peanuts from Heaven tell me what to do?!?! WHY!!"

So we lost. And it will be okay, because now here are the facts about the Seattle Mariners, our least favorite Angsty Poets

Reasons to avenge our first defeat through much gnashing of teeth and bone

1. Last year--The Mariners were the bane of our existence last summer. Just when we would get a lead or a little momentum the Mariners turned up on the schedule to ruin everything. With Raul Ibanez hitting and bizarrely obscure pitchers pitching. And we lost. We lost to the Mariners. White Sox we could beat. Angels we could beat. Mariners...nope. Couldn't do it. We failed...so you know what Mariners, YOU FAIL! *45 Loathing Points*

2. Starbucks/Poetry--Last year I blamed the Mariners for Starbucks but didn't know why. This year, I do. Starbucks encourages the writing of bad poetry and the drinking of foul coffee. As the city of Seattle is responsible for Starbucks and the Mariners are responsible for most works of angst riddled poetry (see the works of Griffey, Kenneth; and hernandeZ, feliX), these two forces combine to create one unholy beast known as: The Seattle Mariners.  For this cruel creation the Mariners must suffer. *85 Loathing Points*

Reasons to take a deep breath and calmly avenge our defeat through normal things like hitting and pitching

1. Griffey ain't all bad--Like most people who became baseball fans in the early 90s Ken Griffey Jr. was the guy we all wanted to be like. He climbed walls. Hit homeruns. Beat up on the Yankees. He made wearing your hat backwards cool. (It's just a shame he had to do a lot of these things at the expense of the Twins.) While much of baseball has fallen under a shroud of suspicion and disdain, Griffey has not. He's always been positive, always played hard, always been a guy to root for. He's back home in Seattle now, which is good for him--as long as he doesn't keep crushing us. *-32 Loathing Points*

2. Grandma Zoe--What can I say. I love my Grandma. And I'm sure that while she was happy about last night's win, she wouldn't jeer me if her life depended on it. And I'm also sure that when Adrian Beltre strikes out tonight (which, believe me, he will) she'll shake her head and say: "that's never been a strike Adrian...not once...not ever...not in all the times you've swung at it...". You've gotta love your Grandma. *-41 Loathing Points*

Final Loathe-O-Meter Rating: 57 Loathing Points 

(+50 Loathing Points from last year)

Punishment--Defeat by bludgeoning of bats upside heads.